July 31, 2013

UBM Post 31 - We did it :)

***********We did it, We did it, Oh Yay Yay Yay*********** {happy dance}

This is what the daughter and I sing when we accomplish something :).

I'm so proud of myself for sticking through this blog marathon.....it was tough. I think Day 18-20 were the toughest, and once I crossed over the hump, I could see the finish line :).

There is a lot more that I wanted to blog about - book recommendations, the daughter's music preferences (from Kishore Kumar to Pink), movies that I love, some more travel musings, observations at various public places, pictures, volunteering activities that I am still able to do to help the ones in need, etc etc.

But as I review all the posts, I see that at this moment in my life, I enjoy the present, the now - more than anything else. Every single day, I look forward to the new stuff that the kids do, the milestones, the conversations, their bonding.....and I quite enjoy living in this phase.

I also know that I am terrible at writing fiction. Terrible at making something sound dramatic or poetic through my words. I like to say how it is, straight and simple. I think years of working as a techie has this effect on you. I probably need to exercise my right brain much more often, and with kids, I have ample opportunity to do so. I'm also considering doing a creative writing online course from somewhere - do you have any recommendations?

One thing I can do: I promise to continue posting more regularly. I quite enjoy blogging about motherhood (yes, I don't mind being one of the zillion mommy bloggers out there).

Hope you enjoyed whatever I wrote....and thank you to Ramesh, Andy, Sriram, SK, Bhavika, JS, and many more of you who read all the posts and commented on them too.

I will do a post for the daughter's birthday soon, so stay tuned :)!

Now, off to Disney with the familia!!!!

July 30, 2013

UBM Post 30 - The work-life balance saga

I was going to post something light and funny today, but I read a few posts related to the evergreen debate on a working mom vs a stay-at-home mom, and hence this post.

These are the posts I read:

http://nychthemeron.blogspot.in/2009/03/kids-and-maids.html (read the comments too)

http://nychthemeron.blogspot.com/2013/07/kids-and-maids-2.html (don't read the comments; I'll post my long one here)

http://www.indianamericanmom.com/2013/07/ditch-the-mommy-guilt.html

http://readingthroughrsmind.wordpress.com/2013/07/26/

http://www.momaical.com/2013/06/women-who-have-it-all-and-other-lies.html

And the one with which I resonated the most:
http://www.blogher.com/are-you-pwm-proud-working-mom

Now adding my two cents:

First, my response on the second post listed above:

I work, and my daughter went to daycare (now preschool), and the son will go to daycare soon. And I live in the US, so I'll speak for what I do here.

This is how I make it work:
- We kept the kids home upto a year...actually a little more than that (until I nursed them). Both of us took ALL the leave we could get (paid and unpaid) so that was like 9 months+, rest of the time parents helped out.
- I had kids at a time in my career where I could get flexibility to work from home as much as I want. I invested 10 years of hard work before I got this luxury.
- I switched to part time for a few months when the daughter started daycare. Hubby did the same. So our daughter who turns 3 this week, has never gone to daycare 5 days a week, 8 hours a day.
- We have no maids to cook, clean, etc. We do have a gardener, and occasionally (once every 2 months) call someone to help with the house. Stuff like windows, doors, blinds, lamps, ac vents, etc that we don't clean routinely, they help out.
- Kids get the socialization they need in daycare, eat lunch, and nap. They eat breakfast and dinner at home, go to activities with us, go to the park with us, go for play dates with us.
- BOTH of us have put our careers in cruise mode...no promotions for a while, no working long hours, no work related travel, no meetings off hours.
- Each of us takes atleast 2 vacation days every month (that's 4 total days) to do fun stuff with kids, or just to be home with them. These are impromptu.
- When they are sick, we are with them 24x7. Daycares here don't allow sick children anyway.

On top of this, finding the right daycare provider is also key. I feel only a mom who has done this with her kids (preferably more than one so that she has more varied experience) can do a good job. Exceptions are everywhere but I am talking about norm. Recommendations matter big time - make sure you pick someone who has nothing but good referrals.

Now, on choosing to continue to work: I feel, if I have invested 6+ years in studying for some profession, and 10+ yrs working in it, it's really unfair to chuck it all away. It's terrific income for the family too. Do you want women to just be moms all their life and not grow in other professions? What about our daughters? what do we want them to do when they grow up? Not everyone can stay home for X no of yrs and get back into the workforce when they please. I have countless examples of frustrated and depressed moms who quit work when their children were born, and now want to work but there are no appealing jobs. Even my own mom who made the same decision when I was born (I am her eldest child) always laments that she could never have a career. Money also matters - not just for survival but for self-esteem and independence as well- it is not easy asking money from your spouse for small small personal expenses, gifts to friends, charging mobile phone cards, etc and not being asked how much you spend each month....it can be a big reason for conflict between a couple. I can continue, but there are countless benefits to women working. Quitting I feel is the easiest option to choose, not necessarily the best one for yourself, your child or your family.

In summary, it is possible to achieve an acceptable work-life balance if you choose to work on it diligently. It requires careful planning and execution, but totally doable. And a good infrastructure that supports working moms is essential in all countries. IF we had that, we would not face this dilemma and guilt.


As I have expressed here before as well, the right kind of infrastructure is key. The government can help you, but the more I think about it, I come to a conclusion that it is upto YOU to create your own infrastructure. Only you can figure out what will work for you and your child(ren).

Another key point for a working woman is: equal contribution from spouse on ALL aspects of parenting. Sure, men can't get pregnant or breastfeed (how I wish they could do that), but other than these two things, they should be able to share the rest of the burden.

My husband starts his 6-week bonding leave today. I think it's incredible that he is choosing to take this leave which is a benefit from the state, but comes with very little pay. He is also a person who has woken up most nights to help with our infant/toddler children. He shares 50% of the household chores with me. He can cook some delicious stuff when the need arises (he was a regular before but now he babysits while I cook, mostly coz I'm much quicker). He can bathe both the kids, dress them up, take them for their activities, park and museum outings, read stories at bedtime and put them to bed. He feeds them all their meals. If I have to be away for work, I know he will be able to manage without me, and he will do a good job. Many times, I have found that I am the one who worries so much about how he will manage a certain situation, but in reality, when I leave it upto him, he does fine (and often, does it the same way I would have).

Our neighbor also starts his 6-week bonding leave today. It is even more incredible as his wife is a stay-at-home mom and they have three kids. Money is tighter for them than us. But he wants to enjoy summer with the kids, and more importantly, give a little bit of break to his wife.

Another neighbor, and a very close friend of ours, he stayed home with two of his children for 5+ years, while his wife worked during that time. I will not go into the reasons why they made this choice, but having known them for close to 8 years now, I can say he did an amazing job with his boys. I always tell my husband to learn as much as he can from him.

So, if husbands start helping out equally, take bonding leave during the first couple years, and there is a network of trusted, reliable daycare providers in town - a working woman has no reason to completely quit her job, if she is really inclined to work.

On a personal level, I'm in awe of women who just quit their careers and choose to stay home with their kids. Being a stay-at-home mom is the hardest job in the world, in my opinion. So I have lot of admiration and respect for each of them. It's just that when they take us working moms on a guilt trip, I feel I need to voice my support and level out the field :)!

I now rest my case!!!!

July 29, 2013

UBM Post 29 - Never a dull moment in life

This crawling madness was happening last night:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-zxPE82sM0

I only recorded parts of it. They went on like this for half an hour. And prior to that, they were doing 'masti' on the bed.
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And today, it is the beginning of the "End of the crawling era" in our household. Check this out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCZ9qgXx830

As soon as the son woke up, he wandered over to the play room, found this walker himself, and just went with it. When we asked him to take a break, he started crying. As soon as he woke up from his nap, he was walking with it again. He didn't even want to finish his bottle of milk...he just wanted to walk, walk, walk! I told the daughter while driving back home from her school that Rusham has an early birthday surprise for you, and when we reached home, I asked him to demo it for her. She was absolutely thrilled! She kept saying "oh mumma Rusham become a big boy now, he is so tall, he is walking so fast, I go on walk with him mumma" - such a proud moment for all of us!!!!

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A few days ago, we had just returned from the grocery store, and were still in the garage unloading the car. The daughter saw one of her neighborhood friends walking by with his dad, and asked him to come over to play with her. They stopped by, and all of us were chatting. Suddenly, she went behind me, smelt my bum, and said "mumma, your bum is smelling so bad. Not good mumma. Go wipe your bum and change your clothes". Jeezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! And to think of it - I had showered just before leaving to the grocery store....I guess this is just the beginning of facing several such embarrassing situations {eyes roll}!!!!

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I had a great time chatting with several of our neighbors today. A couple of them came home, and it felt so good. I also took the daughter out in the evening for riding her plasma car, and yapped with two other neighbors. And I got to play with our neighbors' daughter E who is 6 months old - she has such pretty blue eyes and a 1000-watt smile - love her! These chats with friends helped me forget the drab Sunday that I had.

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This is an exciting week - the daughter turns TH-REEEEE on Thursday! She is celebrating her birthday in school tomorrow, so we got cupcakes for all her friends today, and also gift wrapped books that we are giving as gifts (I never give plastic junk). She is VERY excited. 

She has already received a few presents. One of them was a baby doll pretend play set, complete with the doll's walker, crib, high chair tray, food, milk bottle, pacifier, teether, etc.....the doll can cry, laugh and babble....she has been in love with her. She plays with her baby (who we have named Aria) all day. She even found a mamma and pappa for her baby doll from the house, so now they are a complete family.

Later this week, we are taking a short vacation, and gifting her a trip to visit her favorite Mickey :)!

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And to end the day, I chanced upon this fabulous piece of news (please do read):
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10201554618288320&set=a.10201554618208318.1073741828.1263248477&type=1

What an inspiring story....totally made my day! More power and more luck to these precious kiddos!

July 28, 2013

UBM Post 28 - A day full of conflict...

So, after a fabulous Saturday, it was a drab Sunday. Worse than just drab actually.

Managing two kids, even with the help of my parents right now, is sometimes very stressful. But I have one rule for myself: I never find fault with the kids. Its usually my inability to deal with the situation in a better way. Our children are way too young to be manipulative in a way that could affect us badly, and are also yet incapable of creating any major drama. As my mom puts it, they are like tender flower buds, only looking for love, warmth and caring from us. They are definitely huge blessings in our lives, for which I thank the Almighty daily.

The husband unfortunately does not always think like I do. I think he was overwhelmed today. Which is fine, but there was no real reason to be overwhelmed with. We had planned to be home all day, had no errands planned, no house cleaning or arranging planned, and didn't even have to cook dinner. All we had to do is make some lunch (which mom and I cooked), bathe the kids, eat, play with them, nap. But he was mean and nasty (with his words) to me when the daughter threw a 5-minute tantrum just before lunch time. One thing about her is: she cannot gauge her hunger. When she is hungry, she starts whining and behaving cranky. I sense it very quickly, and always give her a small snack to eat if her meal is not ready or it's not yet time for her meal. Today it was lunch time and he could not figure out a way to keep her calm while he heated up her food. And the rest of us were busy so he got very upset that no one came to help him. Which was fine, but then as soon as I heard her whining and went out to help, he greeted me with very insulting taunts.

He has been doing this since the last few weeks, and I have always remained calm and non-confrontative. But today, he crossed a personal boundary where he stooped very low with his words, and I could not just stay quiet.

I have a short temper, and sometimes say things that I regret. And what I've learnt and practiced religiously is to apologize at the first available opportunity to the person affected. Look into their eyes, say sorry, and mean it. My husband will not say sorry. Not right away anyway. It takes him several days to internalize his thoughts and come to terms with his act, and it takes him even longer than that to come up with an apology. Not sure if all men are this way, my dad is certainly not like him (coz he's like me :D).

I'm glad the day is behind me. It can only get better from here, right?

July 27, 2013

UBM Post 27 - A good, good day

We spent our morning at home....prepared and had a lavish lunch, complete with a plate of these super sweet mangoes.....


Both the kids enjoyed long warm baths, after which it was time for an afternoon siesta....

We then headed to the California State Fair to spend the rest of our day - we sat in the monorail, rode the carousel with both kids (first time for the son),  danced at the live concerts, daughter saw her favorite llamas, and the son was mesmerized by the parrots of various colors. I made avocado, cheese and chutney sandwiches for togo-dinner which were sooooo delicious - tasted even better with live music in the background. As we were getting ready to leave, the fireworks started, so we took a break in the parking lot to let both kids watch them....they loved it.

Here's a video of the daughter and I dancing at the concert in the promenade: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ys21utypFh0

And we ended the day with a visit to the family's favorite ice cream joint in town - Leartherbys. Any day that ends at Leatherbys is a good, good day.


The kids are exhausted and snoring in their car seats as we drive back home close to midnight. They behaved so well today - not one tantrum or fight. On some days, everything is perfect....as if it was meant to be!!!!

July 26, 2013

UBM Post 26 - Just a phone call away


Sharing our daily routine with each other
Was something we always looked forward to
For anything happy, sad, fun, exciting
I was just a phone call away

Whether it was a weekend meet-up
Or planning an adventure
For discussing all the little details
I was just a phone call away

We argued, we fought
We agreed to disagree and move on
For resolving all our conflicts
I was just a phone call away

During illness or injury
During mood swings n lows
To vent out and feel better
I was just a phone call away

We truly loved each other
We genuinely cared for each other
To express these emotions
I was just a phone call away

Gone are those phone calls
Gone is that bond
Only memories remain
To cherish along

Now its email and FaceBook
For all communication
It hurts, I wonder what changed
Although, I’m still just a phone call away!

July 25, 2013

UBM Post 25 - India Trip Musings

I never really got the time to write about my musings during the India Trip. Oh there were so many! I was browsing through the pictures today as I have to delete the folder from my laptop, and thought I should post a few of them here.

The day I landed, my best friend S from college/hostel days was leaving for UK, and I had not met her since 2000. I was not even sure where we would be staying after we land....but we had planned to meet somewhere in Ahmedabad. The day was so busy, confusing, frustrating, tiring. She was supposed to come over at night and spend a few hours with me before heading to the airport for an early morning flight. Just an hour before she came, we decided that my parents' house would be the best, at least for that first night, and we reached there. The house was clean but except for milk, we had nothing. She brought food for all of us. I had a good time chatting with her for few hours, finally getting to see her kids and introducing mine to hers. She is one of those with whom I can connect effortlessly, regardless of time and distance. I'm glad I got to meet her!


A couple of days later was Uttarayan. I always plan my India trip during January, primarily so that I can celebrate this favorite festival of mine with family. It also helps with ticket prices as you avoid the holiday rush. While growing up, our family was not big into firecrackers at Diwali, or playing with colors during Holi. But everyone loved flying kites. My dad is an expert..can manage to get one up in the air with little to no wind. There's always a family gathering during this time.....and the atmosphere on the terrace is electrifying.

The days leading upto the festival are spent in making delicacies like chikki, laddoos, undhiyu and Paunk - baby bajra kernels harvested and cooked over fire along with the husk/cover. Once cooked, you take the roasted kernels, mix it with spicy sev, lemon juice, coriander leaves, and gobble it all up.

Evenings are spent procuring kites - we buy loads of used ones which are not damaged; the primary reason being they are ready to fly and have been tested for the strength of their bamboo frame and tension already. We also go to Patang Bazaar and get new ones....picking up the latest styles for the season. You go through more than a thousand a day, so lots of buying needs to happen. The bazaar is open all night for everyone to be able to stock up. The picture below was clicked in 2009 - and this is the Patang Bazaar in Baroda where our family had gathered for the festival.


Another important part of the preparation is finding the right string, also called "dori" or "manja" to fly the kites. Each one has their own preference on how they want theirs, so what you do is go to the roadside vendors who set up shop all over town, and test it out. The special kite string is white in color, and is coated with a glue of color and glass. You place an order of what you like, and depending on the quantity, they will complete your order within the next few days. These vendors work all day and through the night during December-January. One of my moms maids this year wanted to earn some extra cash, so she quit doing her day job for a month (she told everyone she was sick) and worked at one of the vendors coloring the strings. She got paid lots of overtime so it worked out good for her. We did not know at that time but found out after the fact.

Picture above/below - courtesy Google.

On the D-day, a couple of over-enthusiastic cousins will start the setup as early as 5am. They will haul all the kites, firkis (reels of kite strings), a boombox and speakers to the terrace. Food usually is brought up by the ladies of the house who climb up on the terraces a bit later. All day long, you can hear chants of "kai po che" and "lapet" whenever someone cuts another person's kite. The weather during this time of the year is just perfect....not too cold, not too warm, and with music playing in the background or friends/cousins to have gappa-shappa with, you are destined to have the time of your life.

This year was the first time for the daughter, and I was not sure how much she would enjoy. But within a few minutes of going to the terrace in the morning, she was hooked. She was holding the firki and chanting "lapet" "lapet" as loud as she could. When she could not shout, she would blow the trumpet given to her by her best friend, Abhi. Her laughter was infectious.


She was still pretty jetlagged, so I brought her down for her nap, reluctantly, and promised to take her back up in the evening. One of my favorite brother-in-law A, who lives in Delhi, was visiting Gujarat, and he had planned to spend the evening with us. We usually celebrate Sankranti together, and always plan our gatherings months in advance. This year was no different. As soon as he came home, we went back up. Sunset is my most favorite time of the day.....the terraces were full of people and the sky was filled with kites all over. We have a 360 degree panoramic view of the city from our terrace, and the view was terrific.




And at night, people start flying "tukkals". These are special heavy duty kites that you fly on heavier strings, and once the kite is up, you start tying small tukkals (lanterns) at regular intervals on the string. The weather is usually calm by this time, so the tukkals fly high up in the air, steady and strong.

Photo Courtesy: Google.

And the latest trend these days is to fly 'gubbaras' or hot air balloons, which are mostly imported from China and are so cheap that people buy them in bulk. One of our neighbors bought ~100, and was lighting them one after the other for more than an hour. It takes very little effort to light the flame, and then you just release it in the air. The kids get a kick out of lighting fire and watching it fly away high up in the sky.






And last but not the least, there are fireworks. Tons of them. All over the town. It is much more festive than Diwali, or when India wins some cricket match. The scene is unforgettable. I found this one picture from the web, that gives you an idea of how it looks like!


The whole day this year was unforgettable. The daughter enjoyed every minute of her time on the terrace. She liked it so much, that whenever she would be fussy for breakfast, I would take her up on the terrace, and I would feed her while she observed stuff around - her favorite was our house help's quarters on the terrace of one of the bungalows 2 blocks down from our house. She would watch the birds, planes passing by, watch the vendors passing on the street, the school rickshaws/taxis, etc. I'm so happy she got to celebrate my favorite festival in my favorite city in the world!!!!