(From the archive - June 2025)
In my previous post, I vented out about things NOT to say to a grieving person or family. ALL of those things have been said or been texted to me since my husband passed away in April 2025.
As time goes by, those messages have become infrequent thankfully. Phone calls have reduced, text messages have reduced, and from my point of view, it seems that 95% of the people who showed up at the funeral or reached out to me when they heard the news have moved on to live their own lives. As they should, if I may say so.
For me, it still feels that the life and world I was living in has come to an abrupt end. It feels I am suspended in space and the earth below me keeps spinning as if nothing happened. It’s still too soon to comprehend moving forward in any sort of way. We still don’t have the autopsy results, and my husband’s cause of death is still pending investigation. I am trying to get our affairs in order but it’s painfully slow. Although I am making solid progress on many important matters, trauma and grief looms large over every thought and every action that I take.
Continuing my efforts to educate the community, here are a few things that you CAN say, or do for a grieving person and their family:
- “I’m here” — Show up for them IN PERSON, if you can. Be a companion and walk through this journey WITH them. This has been invaluable for me. I cannot thank each family member and friend of mine that has shown up, rolled up their sleeves, and been there to do what’s needed to be done. Figure out what you can help with, or share what your skills are, what you are good at, and offer your unconditional support during this traumatic time.
- “Be there to just listen” — Offer to be present, in-person or virtually, to just listen. Don’t judge. And have integrity to respect their privacy, please. Give them the freedom to say whatever is on their mind. This has also been invaluable for me.
- Send thoughtful texts and messages — When you cannot show up in person, send them thoughtful messages. Instead of sending messages where the grieving person has to answer questions, say things like: “I’m thinking of you. Sending you love.” or “I’m here for you whenever you need me”. or “This day must be hard (especially if it’s a monthly death anniversary or a birthday), and I’m sending you extra love and comfort.” or “No need to reply. I love you and I miss you.” Many times, especially when I’m struggling to sleep at night, a message like this has helped me overcome my sadness.
- “Narrow it down” — Instead of asking “let me know how I can help” or “what can I do for you”…..If you are local, plan a coffee date, lunch, dinner, game night, movie outing, hike, walk, with the grieving person. Also, do not put the burden on them to give you date and time options — they are already overwhelmed and this is going to add stress to their plate. You need to figure out something you can offer along with a couple options to propose for scheduling — “does Wednesday or Friday lunch work for you?” “Can I bring salad on Monday for lunch and we can sit n chat?”. Also, please don’t be offended if they say no, more than once. If you are a true friend, you will be patient in giving them the time and space to heal. Stay in touch!
- “Care packages” — Send them gifts or gift cards. This may sound like a selfish ask, but if you are unable to do anything in-person, then send the family $$. They will certainly appreciate it. Most families spend thousands of dollars for funeral arrangements, then have to take time off work which could be unpaid, and insurance/other payouts take months to settle. If the person who passed away was suffering from an illness, that also has taken a toll on the family. A little bit of financial help will go a long way in bringing a smile on their face. It could be gift cards to their their favorite restaurants and coffee shops. It could be gift cards to their regular grocery stores. It could be a mani-pedi session. It could be a book or a journal. It could be a gift of massage or a spa day. It could be something for their kids, an outing they could enjoy together or a gift of experience. It can be tickets to a theme park. If you know the family well, this should not be too difficult to figure out.
- “Getaways, vacations, invites” — This is only possible if you are intimately close with the family. A getaway can do wonders for the mind and body, so plan it for them. Or, invite them to spend a weekend at your place and offer to take care of them during that time — it will very much be appreciated. Remember, their loss is permanent. Their loved one is never coming back. So don’t just think near term. Perhaps in the near term they are unable to travel with you. Stay with them for the long haul — months or even years down the road. If you’ve gone on adventures with them before, continue to include them in future plans. A lot of widows and widowers find it very hard to join activities with other couples’ — so try to avoid excluding them and make them feel that they are always invited and included.
- Talk about their loved ones, share memories — There might be a few exceptions to this one. But a majority of people who have lost a loved one don’t want to forget them. They want to remember them, they want to move forward in their life while keeping their memory alive. So ask them to share about the happy times. Share your own happy memories and times spent together with the person who passed away. Especially as time goes by, and when grief doesn’t feel heavy, they will really appreciate this.
- Celebrate their triumphs — Most people who lose a loved one, especially when it happens suddenly, will have to move forward and adapt to living with the absence of their loved ones for the rest of their lives. They will have to do things they have never done before — in my case, it starts with something as simple as putting the trash cans out every week. Single parents will have to raise children on their own, serving the role of mom AND dad. As they navigate this new life, empower your friends by celebrating their wins — big and small. This will give a huge boost to them and will keep them going. It will make them feel that their efforts are seen, validated, and they matter.
- Honor and prioritize your commitments to them — If you made plans with them, don’t change them last minute. If you promised to come through for them, see it through. If they asked for help and you committed to helping them, make it happen. When a person is already grieving the loss of a loved one, they are vulnerable. They don’t have thick skin yet. They are nervous about asking for help. Don’t subject them to the secondary loss of bailing on them or betraying their trust in you, please.
- Secondary losses — The worst thing to say to a grieving friend is “nothing”. No message. No check-in. No call. Silence is painful and brutal. Your silence becomes another loss that they are left to deal with. Grief doesn’t need the perfect words, but it needs presence. Imperfect, messy, unpolished, quiet presence. So please show up for them. Show real empathy, listen without judgement, and help them through their dark and trying times to the best of your ability.
