It’s been a little over a month that my husband passed away. It was sudden and unexpected.
For the first three days, we kept the news to ourselves. We were in shock and disbelief then, and we are still in disbelief today. Once we announced the news to the world after finalizing his funeral details, there were a lot of condolence messages and support that poured in. 450+ people showed up for his funeral on a rainy Saturday — the support made a painful time for our family a tiny bit bearable.
Sad to say, the community support has all been largely downhill from there. It seems people just don’t know what/when/how to say the right things to a grieving spouse, to grieving children, to a grieving family. This has been an unexpected burden and stress to me, my children and my family.
In an effort to educate the community, here are a few things that you should NOT say to a grieving person or family:
- “How are you doing?” or “Are you doing alright?” Ugh. I hate this question. Most grieving people find this question very difficult to answer. Grief comes in waves, one minute you smile at a memory, another minute you are in a puddle of tears, and the next minute you have crippling fear or anxiety. For you, it is one question, but for the grieving person, they get the same question from many people daily, and it is very difficult to answer. By asking this question, you are also placing the burden on the grieving person to give you details and answers when they are already at capacity and cannot give back to anyone at this time. A better message would be: “Hey I’m thinking of you. You are loved. I’m here for you whenever you need me.” or “Hi, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you love and support.” or “Hi, I am holding you in our hearts as you grieve. I am here for you and you may feel lonely but you are not alone.” (Thank you April and Wendy for sending such messages to me multiple times a week).
2. “You don’t look or seem sad” — This has been said more to my kids than me. Very appalling. Children live in the moment, and deserve to be joyful each day. Even though they have lost their father (in my case), they are still alive. They also deserve to be shielded from grief as much as possible by their caregivers. People have said this about me as well, more behind my back than on my face, primarily because they don’t see me mourning in public. Grief is like a broken rib — you can’t see it from the outside but every breath hurts. The least everyone can do to help the grieving family is to give them their non-judgmental space to grieve in whatever way they deem fit. We have no idea what battles everyone fights internally, or in the privacy of their homes, so please show empathy and be kind.
3. “Are things back to normal?” or “Are you better?” — Another one of those questions that a grieving family has no idea how to answer. There is no normal or better. Whatever normal they knew has been shattered and torn into pieces. They are generally taking it day by day, working hard to figure out a new normal for them. My kids are never going to get their dad back, and I am never going to get my husband back. Whether we accept it or not, our life has suddenly changed. We don’t know what normal is. Please refrain from asking such a question.
4. “He is in a better place” or “Everything happens for a reason” or “It was his time” — Umm, No. There is no logical explanation to our loss. My kids deserve their dad in their life. I deserve my partner next to me. His place is with us — with his wife, his children, his parents, his siblings, his loved ones. We want him here with us. Period!
5. “Time is the only remedy to cope with this” or “Time heals all wounds” or “God never gives you more than you can handle”— Again, not helpful at all. Trust me, the grieving family doesn’t need your philosophy or deep insight at this time. In the beginning, their loss hurts even more as time passes by, because day by day you accept and realize that your person is never coming back. I don’t know how I will feel months down the road, or years down the road, but I don’t have the capacity to think that far. I am literally taking things day by day.
6. “Let me know if I can help you” or “Let me know if you need anything” — although the intention behind this is always good, it places the burden on the griever to figure out the details on how/what/when to ask for help. Perhaps with time, I will be ok with this statement and the sentiment behind it. But right now, it feels like a burden and it is overwhelming. Usually, you will rely on your family and inner circle for most of your daily needs, and delegate asking outside of the circle to them, instead of doing the work yourself. So if the person doesn’t ask you for help, or doesn’t reply to you directly, please don’t feel bad or take offense to it. They are just overwhelmed, and don’t know what to say.
7. “You need therapy” — unless you are part of their inner circle, please don’t suggest this. Let them deal with their loss in the best way they deem fit.
8. “What happened? How did he die?” — Totally inappropriate. Please keep your curiosity to yourself. Rehashing their loved ones manner of passing doesn’t help one bit to the grieving family. It is painful, and traumatic. They are already in a vulnerable state. You don’t need to know the details, however bad your may “want” to know them. If they willingly share any details with you, please listen with compassion and empathy, and if they don’t, accept it without any questions asked. You are NOT entitled a front row seat to someone else’s tragedy. You may only care about the “tea”, but please just pray for the family instead.
9. “I can’t imagine what you are going through” or “ “I can’t imagine losing my husband. I don’t know what I would do.” — You know what this feels like to a grieving person? It feels like you telling them: “I’m so glad it’s not me going through this, it’s you”. Just a very shitty and unkind thing to say. You are creating a space, a distinction, a barrier, between yourselves and them, and it feels inappropriate and derogatory. If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything. Please!
10. Last but not the least:: “You are so strong” or “Stay strong” or “I don’t know how you do it” — Ugh. Cringe. No one prepares you for handling such a sudden loss. I never imagined being a single parent. I didn’t imagine being a young widow. Just like you, I had plans and dreams for our future, for our retirement that are now shattered. My strength perhaps in other areas of life didn’t give me a manual for handling such a profound loss. Please refer to my previous post for more on how I feel about this. (https://medium.com/@shachi.thakkar/a-months-mind-f136306bbec9)
We are a grief illiterate society. Grief literacy really matters. It is so severely lacking in our society, and each one of us can do better. Please be extremely mindful of your choice of words, and actions, with those who are grieving. Your intentions are not doubted, but your words and actions have an impact. Grieving people are vulnerable and do NOT have thick skin. Show them by your thoughtful actions that you care, and if you cannot do anything because you are far away, then just pray for them and keep them in your thoughts!
In my next post, I will share the top 10 things you CAN say or do for a grieving person!
September 2026 update:: This thrash hasn’t stopped. Lately I’ve tried to connect with many folks who tried to reach out to me last year, but I simply didn’t have bandwidth. And some of the same stuff keeps coming up over and over again!
Also, I don’t know why every single person thinks Sameer died of a heart attack. That assumption makes me so livid.
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