A Friday morning well spent....

“Sail beyond the horizon; fly higher than you ever thought possible; magnify your existence by helping others; be kind to people and animals of all shapes and sizes; be true to what you value most; shine your light on the world; and be the person you were born to be.” -  Blake Beattie

The husband is on bonding leave. Mum n dad are also around for another week, and that means I could afford to take some time to do volunteering. There is a women's empowerment center in downtown that takes homeless women and empowers them with basic skills (through sessions that last 8 weeks) and helps them find jobs. They start earning and can at least afford shared housing of some sort. Some of these women have kids, who are taken care of at the onsite daycare. During the course of the session, temporary housing is provided, along with loads of other perks. Our company sponsors the computer lab, and every week, on technology day, a few volunteers go to teach these women basic computer skills.

I wanted to volunteer here for quite some time, since I first found out about this center. But its requires more than half a day of commitment, and with pregnancy or breastfeeding full time, I could not find the 6 hours that it required. But last Friday, I went. And I'm so glad I did.

The session for last week was to teach them how to write a professional letter - it could be asking for a letter of recommendation, applying for housing, applying for some grant, etc. The second part of the session was to help them export their resume from a software that the center uses to Microsoft word and help them scrub it.

The class started with attendance, introductions, and some women sharing their life stories. Some were alcoholics, some were drug addicts, some were abandoned by family, some were abused by their partners. It was heartbreaking to listen to their stories. Some shared how they are finding courage and inspiration to move on. One of the students was absent, but she sent a beautiful poem on how to stay positive and keep moving forward to the class. She had gone to Vegas to attend one of the trade shows to launch her swim line (and I wish her all the success in her endeavor).

Once we were in the computer lab, we were focused on learning. The women were all so grateful for our presence and guidance. Small things like showing them how to change the template, doing a spell check, formatting tips in word, doing print preview, etc were met with amazement.

One lady was very slow in typing up the sample letter in the assignment we had given them. I sat down with her, and patiently walked her through all the steps and helped her finish. At the end, she told me this: "Thank you for being there for me today. I was having a rough morning but your patience calmed me down. This might look very simple to you but it's not for me. {she showed me her resume and said} - see, I can do things that you may find difficult. Each one of us have special skills. I am grateful that you did not put me down while showing me simple things in Word. Thank you for your time."

Need I say any more?

My Friday morning was truly well spent.

Update:
So I went for volunteering one more time. The same lady, Bridgette, who said the words above, broke down into tears while doing the assignment for that day (Internet search) and ran to the bathroom sobbing. I followed the protocol and alerted her social advisor, who asked me to go and talk to her. So I met her in the women's restroom and asked her if I said something which hurt her. She said, "No not at all. I just feel very bad that I have to ask for help at every step of the assignment. I feel I know nothing". And then I gave her a few examples on why she should not feel that way. One was of my parents....they knew nothing about computers when I moved to the US. Slowly, but steadily, they became computer savvy, and both mom n dad can now make a FaceTime call to me to video chat. It's the most amazing invention ever....and I'm glad they learnt how to do it. I re-iterated the fact that Intel volunteers were there to hold their hand and guide them through this program, and also that the more questions a person asks, the better his (or her) understanding is of the task given.

I'm glad I was successful in driving my point across to her. And also helping her calm down, and bring a smile to her face. I got a warm hug from her, and by the end of our conversation, had 4 other ladies around us who provided their support to Bridgette too.

Again, another Friday morning well spent, truly making a small difference in someone's life.

Turning TH-REEEEEEEE!

Even though I specifically told her not to, my daughter turned three last week ;) 

And what a year it has been - Terrific and Tough! At least the tough part - the terrible two's - are now behind us. Let's see what the three's have in store for us :)!

To my daughter.....

Your year started off with mumma being heavily pregnant and anxious about the baby. We did not know whether it was a boy or girl, and the doctor had said that the baby would arrive early, but the little one was very comfy in his mumma's tummy and arrived past his due date. I had an amazing birth experience, and was delighted to have a son to pamper. And you became a BIG sister!

But you, my betu, hated him. You probably still do. Although, my personal opinion is that you LOVE him a lot more than you hate him. You had a rough time accepting his presence in our lives in the beginning, but in the last 11 months, you have come a long long way. You are now very possessive about him, and you explicitly tell guests that you don't want to share him with them. 

It's a different story that you will share your toys with every other kid but your brother; but when you wake up, you look forward to playing with him; when you sleep, you hug him and kiss him; when we go out, you want to push his stroller; when he wants to snack, you want to feed him; when you take a bath, you want to bathe with him. I love how protective you are of him. I love how excited you get when I tell him that very soon, he will be walking and talking. You can't wait to go on walks with him, and sing loudly with him. Its a blessing to see you transform into a caring big sister role. 

Growing up together - you two will have your fights, moments of jealousy and competition, antics to garner more attention, and what not, but I hope, deep down in your hearts, you always value and cherish the sense of belonging and love for each other.

Personality wise, dear deeku, I'm in awe of you. Really. You had the TIME of your life in India. I was so nervous about managing you and your brother full time, but you took to India - its life, its culture, its people, its food, its weather - like a fish takes to water. I loved watching you living the life I once lived as a child.  

You've reminded us pretty much every single day, why the terrible two's are called so. You are very defiant, or as I read somewhere, defiant with a smirk. You constantly test our boundaries. You know when you are wrong, but still keep pushing your limits. Being exceptionally smart, vocal and independent, you get your way most of the times. 

While potty training you was very easy for us, we continue to have difficulty when you want to assert independence at every step of the potty process. Even when you know you can't reach the basin to wash your hands, you want to do it 'byself'. If you don't get all the soap off your hand and I try to help you, you throw a fit. Sometimes you want to flush yourself, sometimes you want me to do it. You are like this highly volatile volcano who can erupt anytime, and even after eruption, continue to blow out ash and fumes into the atmosphere. 

We see this behavior in pretty much all aspects of your life. With your brother, at times, you are the most loving sister on earth. In a matter of seconds, you hit him. There are days when you wait for the moon to be seen and keep staring at it in peace, and other days, you are terrified of the moon having monsters and ask me to close all the blinds in the house.

Feeding you continues to be challenging. And knowing you so far, I think it will be an ongoing battle with you. You find eating as a boring and time-wasting exercise. The same goes for sleep. It's boring for you....you say you will lose sooooooo much time if you nap. The sun will go away and it will be dark. I can empathize - if I'm reading a book I'm hooked to, and I'm asked to suddenly stop and sleep, I would feel the same way too. For you, every moment, every day, is happening. So meals and sleep are boring for you.

On a few occasions, I've been overwhelmed with your behavior, and have yelled at you, or given you a timeout, or, rarely, have slapped you. But most of the times, I feel you are just asking me to uncover more and more layers of patience, and unique ways to discipline you in a gentle manner.

I can already see you developing empathy, which is profound. When I tell you that I missed you, you cup my face between your palms, and kiss me on both cheeks. You tell me not to worry and that you are the cutest thing on earth. When I drop you at school and tell you that I will pick you up in the afternoon, you say you will miss me, and you will be waiting for me. You LOVE hugs, cuddles, sleeping cozy-cozy with me all night, and being mushy with me. I'm your favorite person in the house, and you have no idea how precious I feel about that!

You are a total chatterbox. You start yapping from the second you wake up, and continue until you go to bed at night. Whether its singing bollywood songs or rhymes , whether its talking about our travels or what we did during the day, whether its describing your day at school, or whether its telling us "hey I have idea" - every person in the house has this silent smile on their face when you are talking. You come across as a very charming personality when you talk. People who talk a lot whine a lot too, but let's just erase that from our memory.

Your cognitive skills are strong - you can quickly solve puzzles, use blocks of various kinds to build things, remember store names & directions, names of people, lyrics of songs, shapes, colors, letters, numbers, play board games, play dress up, form shapes from things on the street, observe objects and shapes in the cloud formations, do puppet shows, and a whole lot more. My job is to nurture these gifted strengths of yours, and I hope I do a good job of that.

You like to leave your curls loose, and hate any kind of hair accessory. You love your hairdresser Jennie, and never say NO to a haircut. I see myself in you, as I had boy cut hair all the way until 10th grade or so. You are very particular about your clothes, your water bottles, your lunch bag, your snacks, etc. - you know exactly what you like and what you don't. 

You LOVE reading books. We have 1000+ books in the house now, and whenever I have to calm you down, I ask you to choose a book and sit down with you to read it. I am looking forward to watching you read by yourself in the next few years - it will be an awesome sight! 

You LOVE singing and dancing and bouncing/jumping. Your favorite song to dance is 'dholi taaro dhol baaje' right now. We went for Garba three times last year, and during the last outing, you were hooked to the music and the dancing. You danced non-stop for more than an hour, and even at midnight, you cried when we drove back home. I can't wait to take you this year....it's some I'm very passionate about and enjoy a lot, and what could be better than dancing to garba songs with your daughter?

You have an infectious smile. You love to laugh, and being goofy. You always crack jokes about farting and poop. You make fun of your brother who still wears diapers. I hope you always retain your great sense of humor, which, combined with your laughter, is absolutely magical. 

We have traveled quite a bit during this year. We went to San Diego and took you to SeaWorld. We've been to the beach several times. We spent 3+ months in India. We toured San Francisco and visited the Eastern Sierras. We made our yearly pilgrimage to Yosemite. And we took you to Disneyland on your 3rd birthday. You love flights, trains, boats, car rides.....it is much easier now to keep you busy and entertained during our travels. At new places, you often stop and observe the surroundings - the shells at the beach, the flowers at the garden, the birds, the rain, the waves. I hope your remain forever curious of the world around you.

I don't have much advice for you, except to ask you to be 'just' the way you are. To be kind and compassionate. To respect others and also stand up for yourself. To be unique. To be creative. To have moments of quiet and peace every day. To be content.

Quoting from "The Help" - always remember this betu - "You is kind. You is smart. You is important. You is strong."

And quoting Dr. Seuss, your favorite author at the moment: “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

I'll always be there for you, and will love you unconditionally. 

Happy Happy Happy birthday, betu! 

Love, 

Ma

UBM Post 31 - We did it :)

***********We did it, We did it, Oh Yay Yay Yay*********** {happy dance}

This is what the daughter and I sing when we accomplish something :).

I'm so proud of myself for sticking through this blog marathon.....it was tough. I think Day 18-20 were the toughest, and once I crossed over the hump, I could see the finish line :).

There is a lot more that I wanted to blog about - book recommendations, the daughter's music preferences (from Kishore Kumar to Pink), movies that I love, some more travel musings, observations at various public places, pictures, volunteering activities that I am still able to do to help the ones in need, etc etc.

But as I review all the posts, I see that at this moment in my life, I enjoy the present, the now - more than anything else. Every single day, I look forward to the new stuff that the kids do, the milestones, the conversations, their bonding.....and I quite enjoy living in this phase.

I also know that I am terrible at writing fiction. Terrible at making something sound dramatic or poetic through my words. I like to say how it is, straight and simple. I think years of working as a techie has this effect on you. I probably need to exercise my right brain much more often, and with kids, I have ample opportunity to do so. I'm also considering doing a creative writing online course from somewhere - do you have any recommendations?

One thing I can do: I promise to continue posting more regularly. I quite enjoy blogging about motherhood (yes, I don't mind being one of the zillion mommy bloggers out there).

Hope you enjoyed whatever I wrote....and thank you to Ramesh, Andy, Sriram, SK, Bhavika, JS, and many more of you who read all the posts and commented on them too.

I will do a post for the daughter's birthday soon, so stay tuned :)!

Now, off to Disney with the familia!!!!

UBM Post 30 - The work-life balance saga

I was going to post something light and funny today, but I read a few posts related to the evergreen debate on a working mom vs a stay-at-home mom, and hence this post.

These are the posts I read:

http://nychthemeron.blogspot.in/2009/03/kids-and-maids.html (read the comments too)

http://nychthemeron.blogspot.com/2013/07/kids-and-maids-2.html (don't read the comments; I'll post my long one here)

http://www.indianamericanmom.com/2013/07/ditch-the-mommy-guilt.html

http://readingthroughrsmind.wordpress.com/2013/07/26/

http://www.momaical.com/2013/06/women-who-have-it-all-and-other-lies.html

And the one with which I resonated the most:
http://www.blogher.com/are-you-pwm-proud-working-mom

Now adding my two cents:

First, my response on the second post listed above:

I work, and my daughter went to daycare (now preschool), and the son will go to daycare soon. And I live in the US, so I'll speak for what I do here.

This is how I make it work:
- We kept the kids home upto a year...actually a little more than that (until I nursed them). Both of us took ALL the leave we could get (paid and unpaid) so that was like 9 months+, rest of the time parents helped out.
- I had kids at a time in my career where I could get flexibility to work from home as much as I want. I invested 10 years of hard work before I got this luxury.
- I switched to part time for a few months when the daughter started daycare. Hubby did the same. So our daughter who turns 3 this week, has never gone to daycare 5 days a week, 8 hours a day.
- We have no maids to cook, clean, etc. We do have a gardener, and occasionally (once every 2 months) call someone to help with the house. Stuff like windows, doors, blinds, lamps, ac vents, etc that we don't clean routinely, they help out.
- Kids get the socialization they need in daycare, eat lunch, and nap. They eat breakfast and dinner at home, go to activities with us, go to the park with us, go for play dates with us.
- BOTH of us have put our careers in cruise mode...no promotions for a while, no working long hours, no work related travel, no meetings off hours.
- Each of us takes atleast 2 vacation days every month (that's 4 total days) to do fun stuff with kids, or just to be home with them. These are impromptu.
- When they are sick, we are with them 24x7. Daycares here don't allow sick children anyway.

On top of this, finding the right daycare provider is also key. I feel only a mom who has done this with her kids (preferably more than one so that she has more varied experience) can do a good job. Exceptions are everywhere but I am talking about norm. Recommendations matter big time - make sure you pick someone who has nothing but good referrals.

Now, on choosing to continue to work: I feel, if I have invested 6+ years in studying for some profession, and 10+ yrs working in it, it's really unfair to chuck it all away. It's terrific income for the family too. Do you want women to just be moms all their life and not grow in other professions? What about our daughters? what do we want them to do when they grow up? Not everyone can stay home for X no of yrs and get back into the workforce when they please. I have countless examples of frustrated and depressed moms who quit work when their children were born, and now want to work but there are no appealing jobs. Even my own mom who made the same decision when I was born (I am her eldest child) always laments that she could never have a career. Money also matters - not just for survival but for self-esteem and independence as well- it is not easy asking money from your spouse for small small personal expenses, gifts to friends, charging mobile phone cards, etc and not being asked how much you spend each month....it can be a big reason for conflict between a couple. I can continue, but there are countless benefits to women working. Quitting I feel is the easiest option to choose, not necessarily the best one for yourself, your child or your family.

In summary, it is possible to achieve an acceptable work-life balance if you choose to work on it diligently. It requires careful planning and execution, but totally doable. And a good infrastructure that supports working moms is essential in all countries. IF we had that, we would not face this dilemma and guilt.

As I have expressed here before as well, the right kind of infrastructure is key. The government can help you, but the more I think about it, I come to a conclusion that it is upto YOU to create your own infrastructure. Only you can figure out what will work for you and your child(ren).

Another key point for a working woman is: equal contribution from spouse on ALL aspects of parenting. Sure, men can't get pregnant or breastfeed (how I wish they could do that), but other than these two things, they should be able to share the rest of the burden.

My husband starts his 6-week bonding leave today. I think it's incredible that he is choosing to take this leave which is a benefit from the state, but comes with very little pay. He is also a person who has woken up most nights to help with our infant/toddler children. He shares 50% of the household chores with me. He can cook some delicious stuff when the need arises (he was a regular before but now he babysits while I cook, mostly coz I'm much quicker). He can bathe both the kids, dress them up, take them for their activities, park and museum outings, read stories at bedtime and put them to bed. He feeds them all their meals. If I have to be away for work, I know he will be able to manage without me, and he will do a good job. Many times, I have found that I am the one who worries so much about how he will manage a certain situation, but in reality, when I leave it upto him, he does fine (and often, does it the same way I would have).

Our neighbor also starts his 6-week bonding leave today. It is even more incredible as his wife is a stay-at-home mom and they have three kids. Money is tighter for them than us. But he wants to enjoy summer with the kids, and more importantly, give a little bit of break to his wife.

Another neighbor, and a very close friend of ours, he stayed home with two of his children for 5+ years, while his wife worked during that time. I will not go into the reasons why they made this choice, but having known them for close to 8 years now, I can say he did an amazing job with his boys. I always tell my husband to learn as much as he can from him.

So, if husbands start helping out equally, take bonding leave during the first couple years, and there is a network of trusted, reliable daycare providers in town - a working woman has no reason to completely quit her job, if she is really inclined to work.

On a personal level, I'm in awe of women who just quit their careers and choose to stay home with their kids. Being a stay-at-home mom is the hardest job in the world, in my opinion. So I have lot of admiration and respect for each of them. It's just that when they take us working moms on a guilt trip, I feel I need to voice my support and level out the field :)!

I now rest my case!!!!

UBM Post 29 - Never a dull moment in life

This crawling madness was happening last night:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-zxPE82sM0

I only recorded parts of it. They went on like this for half an hour. And prior to that, they were doing 'masti' on the bed.
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And today, it is the beginning of the "End of the crawling era" in our household. Check this out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tCZ9qgXx830

As soon as the son woke up, he wandered over to the play room, found this walker himself, and just went with it. When we asked him to take a break, he started crying. As soon as he woke up from his nap, he was walking with it again. He didn't even want to finish his bottle of milk...he just wanted to walk, walk, walk! I told the daughter while driving back home from her school that Rusham has an early birthday surprise for you, and when we reached home, I asked him to demo it for her. She was absolutely thrilled! She kept saying "oh mumma Rusham become a big boy now, he is so tall, he is walking so fast, I go on walk with him mumma" - such a proud moment for all of us!!!!

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A few days ago, we had just returned from the grocery store, and were still in the garage unloading the car. The daughter saw one of her neighborhood friends walking by with his dad, and asked him to come over to play with her. They stopped by, and all of us were chatting. Suddenly, she went behind me, smelt my bum, and said "mumma, your bum is smelling so bad. Not good mumma. Go wipe your bum and change your clothes". Jeezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz! And to think of it - I had showered just before leaving to the grocery store....I guess this is just the beginning of facing several such embarrassing situations {eyes roll}!!!!

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I had a great time chatting with several of our neighbors today. A couple of them came home, and it felt so good. I also took the daughter out in the evening for riding her plasma car, and yapped with two other neighbors. And I got to play with our neighbors' daughter E who is 6 months old - she has such pretty blue eyes and a 1000-watt smile - love her! These chats with friends helped me forget the drab Sunday that I had.

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This is an exciting week - the daughter turns TH-REEEEE on Thursday! She is celebrating her birthday in school tomorrow, so we got cupcakes for all her friends today, and also gift wrapped books that we are giving as gifts (I never give plastic junk). She is VERY excited. 

She has already received a few presents. One of them was a baby doll pretend play set, complete with the doll's walker, crib, high chair tray, food, milk bottle, pacifier, teether, etc.....the doll can cry, laugh and babble....she has been in love with her. She plays with her baby (who we have named Aria) all day. She even found a mamma and pappa for her baby doll from the house, so now they are a complete family.

Later this week, we are taking a short vacation, and gifting her a trip to visit her favorite Mickey :)!

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And to end the day, I chanced upon this fabulous piece of news (please do read):
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10201554618288320&set=a.10201554618208318.1073741828.1263248477&type=1

What an inspiring story....totally made my day! More power and more luck to these precious kiddos!

UBM Post 28 - A day full of conflict...

So, after a fabulous Saturday, it was a drab Sunday. Worse than just drab actually.

Managing two kids, even with the help of my parents right now, is sometimes very stressful. But I have one rule for myself: I never find fault with the kids. Its usually my inability to deal with the situation in a better way. Our children are way too young to be manipulative in a way that could affect us badly, and are also yet incapable of creating any major drama. As my mom puts it, they are like tender flower buds, only looking for love, warmth and caring from us. They are definitely huge blessings in our lives, for which I thank the Almighty daily.

The husband unfortunately does not always think like I do. I think he was overwhelmed today. Which is fine, but there was no real reason to be overwhelmed with. We had planned to be home all day, had no errands planned, no house cleaning or arranging planned, and didn't even have to cook dinner. All we had to do is make some lunch (which mom and I cooked), bathe the kids, eat, play with them, nap. But he was mean and nasty (with his words) to me when the daughter threw a 5-minute tantrum just before lunch time. One thing about her is: she cannot gauge her hunger. When she is hungry, she starts whining and behaving cranky. I sense it very quickly, and always give her a small snack to eat if her meal is not ready or it's not yet time for her meal. Today it was lunch time and he could not figure out a way to keep her calm while he heated up her food. And the rest of us were busy so he got very upset that no one came to help him. Which was fine, but then as soon as I heard her whining and went out to help, he greeted me with very insulting taunts.

He has been doing this since the last few weeks, and I have always remained calm and non-confrontative. But today, he crossed a personal boundary where he stooped very low with his words, and I could not just stay quiet.

I have a short temper, and sometimes say things that I regret. And what I've learnt and practiced religiously is to apologize at the first available opportunity to the person affected. Look into their eyes, say sorry, and mean it. My husband will not say sorry. Not right away anyway. It takes him several days to internalize his thoughts and come to terms with his act, and it takes him even longer than that to come up with an apology. Not sure if all men are this way, my dad is certainly not like him (coz he's like me :D).

I'm glad the day is behind me. It can only get better from here, right?

UBM Post 27 - A good, good day

We spent our morning at home....prepared and had a lavish lunch, complete with a plate of these super sweet mangoes.....

Both the kids enjoyed long warm baths, after which it was time for an afternoon siesta....

We then headed to the California State Fair to spend the rest of our day - we sat in the monorail, rode the carousel with both kids (first time for the son),  danced at the live concerts, daughter saw her favorite llamas, and the son was mesmerized by the parrots of various colors. I made avocado, cheese and chutney sandwiches for togo-dinner which were sooooo delicious - tasted even better with live music in the background. As we were getting ready to leave, the fireworks started, so we took a break in the parking lot to let both kids watch them....they loved it.

Here's a video of the daughter and I dancing at the concert in the promenade: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ys21utypFh0

And we ended the day with a visit to the family's favorite ice cream joint in town - Leartherbys. Any day that ends at Leatherbys is a good, good day.

The kids are exhausted and snoring in their car seats as we drive back home close to midnight. They behaved so well today - not one tantrum or fight. On some days, everything is perfect....as if it was meant to be!!!!