¡Hola, octubre!

How I spent part of my morning today::

The soothing sound of the water fountain

Butterflies 🦋 

Hummingbirds 

The blue pool

The blue sky 

The green grass

The trail behind my home 

Oak trees

Fall colors beginning to show on the maple 🍁 trees 

The warmth of the morning sun ☀️ on my skin 

Bare feet 🦶 on the lawn

Sipping a cup of coffee ☕️ 

Reading a book 📖 

Mornings like these feel so grounding to me. They work wonders for my mental health. 

Nothing extraordinary. And yet, everything I needed. 

😘😘

September Glimmers

 

And here we are, on the last day of September!

It has felt like an extension of summer, at least in Northern California! 

And all things considered, I can say I’ve had another good month.

I’ve continued to struggle with my mental health this month. My parents’ trip to the US had to be postponed to late October because my dad met with an accident, so that really messed me up. But since this post is about Glimmers, let’s focus on those, shall we?

Thankfully I have plenty of those to share with you!

The big highlight of this month was my babie boy turning 14! He started a paid job on his birthday, and the day after he had a big celebration with his cousins and friends!!

This month was also filled with lots of visits from friends. Chicago, Southern California, Tennessee. I felt wonderful hosting everyone in our new abode, and each of them helped me out with so many things around the house. 

I managed to get out of the house and socialize quite a bit as well. Janmashtami puja, Ganesh Chaturthi, Garba, Shreya Ghoshal concert, lunches with my girlfriends, coffee with a former colleague. Parts of it still feel overwhelming and awkward, but I feel that I’m slowly starting to enjoy these outings and don’t feel too much anxiety or pressure. 

A lot of work happened in my garden. I already put up a couple posts on it so will not repeat it here, but that’s certainly been a big glimmer this month for me. I enjoy our outdoor space immensely, and we took full advantage of it this month. 

We’ve continued to have amazing sunsets as well as moonrises. Pictures don’t really do justice, especially to the beauty of the rising moon. It’s been spectacular. 

Another glimmer in September has been reconnecting with a close friend of mine after a significant period of silence between us. I’ve realized how much I need a good circle of close friends around me during this phase of life, and being able to reconnect has brought me a huge sense of relief. 

And last but not the least - I got an in-person refresher session from my meditation coach and did a long deep meditation with her today. I had been feeling stuck and was unable to meditate regularly. Something unlocked within me today - and now I look forward to my daily meditation practice to resume!

The school year and activities have ramped up and are in full swing. The home projects are also in full swing. The last quarter of each year is always sooper packed - Navratri, Halloween, Diwali, family birthdays, Christmas, New Year’s Eve - before we know it, 2027 will be here!

Sameer is missed - in every little thing we experience or accomplish. But this month, I’ve constantly felt his presence around us, especially in our backyard! And somehow, that has brought me a lot of peace! 

Isn’t that what glimmers are? Little reminders that even when life feels heavy, there is still joy, connection, beauty, and love quietly finding their way in!

I’m carrying all of those with me into October 🎃 

Adios September!! 

In his shoes

You know what grief looks like?

Some days, like today, it looks like walking out in my late husband’s worn out slippers, his shacket on my waist, and extremely dry feet with skin peeling on the soles — on the trail behind my house.

Because that’s the only thing that felt comforting to do at that time.

For me, grief has never meant crying. Or memorials. Or grand celebrations. Or constantly telling people.

I love to imbibe my grief into my living. It is my way of continuing to love him intimately by having him participate in my routine.

Something as simple as saying a small prayer each morning, opening the blinds to my backyard, and kissing Sameer’s photo. 

I had an unpleasant interaction with an undergrad friend yesterday. We bumped into each other at the dentist. I don’t think they came to the funeral. Never reached out to me since Sameer passed. He wanted updates on my work and he also mentioned that he saw that I had sold my home. It was important for him to know the logistics of my life. 

But he couldn’t see the private reality underneath those logistics even for a moment.

And yet, here I am, walking around, trying to move forward and build a life after my loss...and sometimes, like today, literally doing it in his shoes!! 

 

More of my garden 🪴

Another garden update for you….

I have bought a few new exotic fruit trees. Some still need to be planted in the ground from the pots - and the cherry tree leaves have turned colors at an alarmingly fast rate, but I’m holding onto hope that I will keep these trees alive and well 🤞 

Here we have finger lime - an Australian citrus with fruit that has caviar like juicy pearls inside and they taste fantastic. 

Then we have dragonfruit - my daughter loves it, and so do my parents. I’m planning to build a cedar wood trellis for support with help from my gardener for this tree.

I also planted Pakistani Mulberry - this is probably my favorite berry of all types of berries! And my sister loves it too! 

Then we have the pink Guava - an ode to my childhood where I would eat loads of these with a sprinkle of chaat masala! This one is Hawaiian and it’s a slightly different variety from the Indian pink guava, but I hope the fruit will still be delicious!! 

And this one’s for Sameer - his beloved cherry 🍒 tree. Sameer had a green thumb, and at our old home, he took such amazing care of our cherry tree that we planted as bare root. It gave us a large bounty year after year! 

I also have blueberries, strawberries, raspberries, lemon, apple, fig and pear trees that were already planted by the previous owners!!

One of my garden views 🏡⛲️

The garden is slowly coming along.

My friends helped me clean and fix the fountain - it has such a soothing sound. 

We replaced the outdoor timer on it as well.  

AND - (Sameer would have loved this) — we put 2 hummingbird feeders along the fence!!

I’ve already had birds 🦅 come to the fountain to drink water. 

And I can’t wait for the hummingbirds to start visiting me soon!

In the next garden post I will share all the exotic fruit trees that I bought so far! Planting is going to happen sometime this week!

My favorite board game in the world

One of the BEST gifts anyone can give me is the gift of their time.

And if that time is spent playing SCRABBLE, then it is PRICELESS!

I cannot tell you how profoundly satisfying playing a game of Scrabble is for me — my nervous system regulates itself…..my mind quiets…..I am at peace.

I currently have friends visiting me from out of state.

And this was last night - the three of us. I won, but it has never been about winning for me anyway. Also, I took all our last letters and completed the board to end the game in a co-operative manner. 

And I slept HAPPY 😊 

Hyrox Training Day 1 ✅

“F#¥k what did we sign up for” was my text today to my besties after finishing my first Hyrox workout.

I’ve had a long long break from the gym. And yours truly finally got herself back in the arena today 💪

Here’s how it went down:

A little warmup

Upper body with dumbbells - lateral raises, seated shoulder press, bicep curls, Tricep extensions 

Captains chair abs in between sets

1000m SkiErg in 4 mins 45 secs with 2 breaks (the first functional fitness station in Hyrox)

Much needed sauna at the end

Cool down::

Monday night football - Chiefs game today 🏈 

I felt SO out of shape. Heart rate was unusually high. And I kept wondering if the SkiErg only feels so hard, how will I do 8 such stations with 8km of running thrown in too?

Ugh what have I gotten myself into!

I got literally 3.5 hours of absolutely trash sleep last night. Like so bad. It’s a miracle I got through today. 

And I also had a really really rough mental health day on top of it. I can’t wait for my therapist appt tomorrow! And thanks to a couple wonderful girlfriends with whom I was able to share how vulnerable I was feeling and they held space for me ❤️

Employed kids ;)

So the babie of my family who just turned 14 also started working yesterday - his first paid job - as a soccer referee.

The pay is good - minimum $40 to maybe $50 or more per game. Some games are only 45 mins so it’s quite an hourly rate. 

The daughter also has a paid job.

And I’ve been told that they are both now employed vs “ahem” their mum who’s now “unemployed” 🤣🤣🤣🤣

PS:: Short post today. Bone deep exhaustion as I hit the bed tonight. Such an incredibly busy yet fulfilling weekend. Desperately need to recharge in the next couple days. 

14!!

The babie of our family turns 14 today ❤️

Where were you on 9/11?

Today marks the 25th anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attack.

It seems this string of dates and anniversaries keep hitting me. 

I had joined Intel as an intern earlier that year — in January 2001. I had completed my Master’s in May 2001, and switched from being an intern to a full time employee that summer.

On 9/11, I was supposed to take the Intel shuttle (our company private jet) from Mather Airbase to Santa Clara for a face-to-face meeting. Of course , due to all planes being grounded, I was not able to fly that day.

Although I knew what happened that morning while I was at home, I still showed up at work.

And you know what I distinctly remember?

That work went on. The meeting that I was supposed to attend in person also went on. 

It felt so bizarre that Intel didn’t stop business that day. 

I remember catching up on news whenever I could, during breaks. I also remember feeling so sad, a bit fearful, and so conflicted from within. And a little bit angry that I couldn’t just take the day off and go home. 

I couldn’t relate to all that grief of families who lost their loved ones that day. But now I can. It is the worst kind of pain - to not even get to say goodbye. I’ve had to experience it, and I can tell you it is deeply traumatic. I wish that kind of pain on no one, and I mean no one.

25 years since that disaster - and I still get goosebumps thinking about it.

Where were you and what were you doing that day? 

Reverse midlife crisis

We’ve all heard of midlife crisis.

Oh shit! I’m getting old! I’m raising teens and will be an empty nester soon! My parents are aging and I’m terrified of managing their care! I want to blow up my life! I want to make impulsive decisions! My bucket list is huge!! I’m depressed! 

And so much more…:.

To me, so much of it seems primarily driven by fear. 

But ever heard of the term “Reverse midlife crisis”?

I recently did. And it really resonated with me. 

So what is it?

“The Reverse Midlife Crisis is about presence that compounds meaning for the future.” - Sahil Bloom

What would your 90 year old self be proud of? And how can you start today, to build that version of yourself - that’s what it asks us to focus on!

Perhaps it’s another manufactured or packaged term for some of the same guidance and advice that resonates with most of us.

But the message is still very good.

Some of the core pillars of the Reverse Midlife Crisis are:

— “Being” vs doing or chasing :: This is about being able to slow down, and enjoy the present. It is about accepting the current season of life you are in, without rushing to get to the next version of it. It’s about being intentional about the time you have and how you are choosing to spend it each day. 

— “Subtract” , not add :: Be ok with doing less, not more. Focus on quality, not quantity. Consume less. Have less distractions. 

— Invest in yourself :: Develop a habit of investing in habits and behaviors that compound benefits over the long term. Prioritize taking care of your body and health. Move your body daily. Prioritize taking care of your mind. Meditate daily. Prioritize taking care of your finances. Live within your means and invest wisely. 

What would MY 90-year old self be proud of?

— How deeply I loved others and was loved as well

— How well I took care of myself - mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually 

— Curiosity to experience new things often

— Believing in and staying true to myself

— How easily I forgave others

— How I stayed resilient through life’s challenges 

— How I gave back to society and planet earth in some way

— Did I write and make art?

— Was I kind?

— Did I stop when enough was enough? 

— Did I LAUGH a lot AND have FUN 🤩 

Got anything to add??

Maybe we don’t need to fear midlife.  Fear that time is running out. 

Instead, we can be intentional and make time matter!!

An Inspiration or a Warning?

I’m not having a great day today.

So this post is going to be a bit of a vent. Pardon me. 

I had talked about this feeling of abandonment recently. 

I am NOT able to shake it off today. Not a single bit. 

I’ve gone on a walk today. I’ve meditated. 

I think the trigger is my recurring lack of sleep. I slept shitty last night (some 5ish hours, interrupted). Had a severe hot flash too. 

Someone very close to me went and told their girlfriends that they should all be grateful for their spouses, after spending time with me. That rubbed me the wrong way. 

I don’t want my loss to become someone else’s gratitude exercise. 

I hate it when someone pities me. 

You can show empathy. Sympathy. Care. Love. Concern. 

You can see from my life that some things are fucking hard. 

But you can also see that I’m doing those hard things daily. I’m fucking capable. And admire that. 

Don’t pity me. Please. 

Show up for me because you truly care for me and love me - not because I’m a tragedy. 

Now coming back to abandonment. 

A neighbor at my old house found out that I have sold my house. So she reached out and asked me if I moved. I immediately responded that I did and told her where I moved (it’s like 5 mins away from my old home). Her response to this was “Oh really” - and she left the chat. How much more effort would it have taken her to write a small kind sentence??? “Congratulations” is literally just one word and it would have sufficed. 

Another close friend has ghosted me the entire time since my husband passed. I was there for her whenever she went through tragedies in her life, AND her good times too. I’m so hurt that she has chosen to remain silent. 

One more close friend has repeatedly assured me that they want to be there for me, they don’t want to see me break down, they pray for me daily — and yet, they have been unable to accommodate seemingly small requests from my end for support. 

My entire undergrad friend group has not shown up. Granted that I haven’t been in close touch with them all these years, and none of them are local — but we spent many formative years together. Some of these folks attended graduate school with me too. I seriously thought old friends from those times are gold - that no matter how much time has passed by, you can always count on them to show up for you. Nada. Zilch. So far.

There is another group of people who have also ghosted me. But I cannot write about them here on the public domain. 

That’s the overall feeling of abandonment that I am unable to shake off. 

Many people text or call me and say - “You know I’m always there for you, right?”. “You can always call me when you need”.

“Remember I’m there for you too”.

Please tell me something - am I the only sensitive dumbo on this planet who feels that it’s not always about the intention, but it has to be followed up by action too? 

I don’t want to be contacted performatively by everyone. And then dropped from consideration.

I don’t want to receive intense words without follow-through.

Is that a strange thing to not want? Am I a unique individual in that regard? Or am I just too sensitive? 

If not, then why am I at the receiving end of such behavior? 

Maybe everybody has good intentions. I believe they do.

But I’m so so so so tired of intentions. 

Make a little room for me in your life, goddammit. 

Don’t wait for me to fall apart before you decide to show up. 

Don’t assume that I’m strong and capable so I never need anyone’s help. 

If you choose to check on me, then please stay long enough to hear the answer. 

Send me jokes. Make me laugh.

Do things that cheer me up or bring a smile on my face. 

Invite me to do things with you. 

Don’t just feel sorry for me.

SEE ME. 

The REAL ME. The sad parts. The fun parts. The loss. The life. 

Make me FEEL through visible action that you love and care for me ❤️

Why does HIS discipline require HER disappearance?

I rarely get tempted to discuss current affairs and politics on my blog.

But I’ve had a bit of history with this one. So bear with me please.

A year or two ago, I hosted a talk at Intel on behalf of BAPS. As I was helping the core team with the logistics, I was told to ask all the women who came to attend the talk NOT to sit in the first five rows of the auditorium.

As bizarre as it sounded, it was a catch-22 situation for me. I couldn’t walk away from the commitment I had made to help the team with the work event. And I felt very conflicted from within on following through with this ask.

When time came to ask anonymous questions to the speaker (a prominent and well respected BAPS monk), I posted this question to him. “Why were women asked not to sit in the front rows of today’s event?”

I wish he had answered it as eloquently as the rest of his speech. He didn’t. He couldn’t. He instead just said that as part of the strict celibacy rules that they are required to practice, this is necessary. It is to uphold the tradition. 

That brings me to the current news story below:

https://www.cnn.com/2026/09/08/travel/eiffel-tower-strike-female-staff-baps-hindu-group-intl-hnk

I have a problem with what happened at the Eiffel Tower recently.

First of all, it is a public monument. Not a temple. Anyone who wants to visit must respect the employees who work there daily. 

Why do women working there have to be at the receiving end, and bear the burden of accommodating BAPS religious beliefs?

I have heard from friends that women are not considered or treated as inferior by BAPS. So then why does accommodating their sadhu’s discipline require regulating women? 

When a man’s religious discipline and a woman’s mere presence intersect at a public monument, why is it that a woman’s presence becomes the center of negotiation?

I’m appalled.

Imagine if we replace women with black people. And say all black people need to disappear. It would be called racism.

Or if we said all Jews need to disappear. Then it would be labeled as antisemitism.

Double standards are never nice.

I feel the BAPS organization must reflect on this internally. They may have rules, traditions, assumptions. But as time goes by, it is important to continue to examine them. As societies evolve, perhaps religious practices can also adapt to the changing world. It is a great opportunity to show the world that respect for equality and dignity of women in our modern world is as important as any other religious belief. 

The question that has always deeply troubled me is this:

“Why does managing male sexuality so often require regulating female presence?”

Women are constantly told by men, or the society, on what to wear, how to behave, what to say, when to keep quiet, where and when to go, etc 

Cover yourself

Don’t enter a temple on your period

Don’t travel alone at night

Don’t wear revealing outfits

Watch what you say in public 

Sit separately in places of worship

Don’t distract men

I don’t see these rules for men. And I can’t help noticing how many of these rules emerged from institutions historically controlled by men in power. 

The fundamental irony of this whole thing is that every man entered this world through a woman. And yet women have spent centuries living under rules largely created by men. 

As a woman, let me tell you that this is tiring. As a mother raising a daughter, I SO hope that she is the recipient of a world who makes it easier for women. Not harder every step of the way. 

I sincerely hope this incident is not taken as an anti-Hindu sentiment, but as an opportunity to introspect and perhaps pivot towards equality for women!!

When friendship shows up for you!

My close friends from Chicago visited me this past weekend. 

In just 2 days with us, they:

:: Bought soil and plants for my garden as a gift

:: Visited a nursery with me and helped me pick fruit trees

:: Transformed my raised beds by removing summer plants and planting new stuff they bought, fixed all pots that needed attention, repotted my Tulsi, and set up a gorgeous set of Monstera in large red pots for my entrance 

:: Helped re-arrange my living room furniture that I had been struggling with for so long

:: Taught my son how to cook a simple Indian meal

:: Chatted with my daughter about her career aspirations and priorities 

:: Helped me in the kitchen with all meals and cleanup every single time 

:: Went on walks with me

:: Lived with me as family

They are so inspiring and hard working. AND so loving and caring. And givers!! 

They truly make me believe in the sentiment…..

❤️🫂😇🥹

The WAIT rule

Have you heard of the WAIT - “Why Am I Talking” rule?

It is a simple mental tool that I use to pause and reflect during conversations.

I used to be very poor at being able to regulate myself in group conversation settings. Silence would be uncomfortable, and I would tend to over talk quite a bit to fill in the quiet spaces. And after the conversation was over, it would make me feel pathetic.

A lot of it was associated to so many insecurities I had about fitting in. 

I would like to say that I’ve gotten SO much better in that aspect these days. 

I have developed the ability to truly listen - so that when I respond, it is either because I am adding value to the conversation, or because my opinion was specifically requested. 

Of course, there are 1:1 conversations with close friends or family or with my children where I’m fairly unguarded, and I allow myself to candidly share my thoughts. For hours. 

But when I’m in professional settings or in a large social group setting, I try to stick to the WAIT rule as much as I can. 

The WAIT rule can also stand for::

WHY AM I TEXTING? — we have all seen the thrash in recent times on forwards and junk texting. I detest that so much. Many years ago, I asked a local friend to stop sending me daily morning text messages that were always filled with some kind of bad news. I much prefer starting my day with positivity and gratitude. This person took SO much offense to my request that not only did he stop texting me, he doesn’t talk to me at all even when we bump into each other in person. Oh well! 

There are millions of keyboard warriors in the world. We have become very comfortable with texting and typing things that we wouldn’t dare say to someone in person. Words are hurtful, when they are poorly chosen. Let’s be mindful of that - even behind a keyboard!

And let’s practice minimalism, even in the digital space!

WHY AM I TRIGGERED - this one is painful for me. Due to my grief and trauma, I get triggered easily. I am a “work in progress” to understand and process my triggers. The one big progress I’ve made is when I realize I’m triggered, I say it out loud. These past couple weeks have been challenging with kids, and I’ve told them what triggers me and asked them to pivot in their behavior. They took it to heart and it has helped me immensely. 

I’ve tried sharing this with friends too. Some understand, some don’t. With some, I have to repeat myself often. It gets tiring. When someone brings up the past repeatedly, it is very much a trigger for me right now. I think my brain doesn’t like to go back and think about the past AT ALL - it is still somewhat in a shock state, and focused on survival. 

This aspect is very hard for people to comprehend, if they haven’t gone through their own personal loss, grief or trauma. 

WAIT doesn’t mean don’t talk, tell, speak or share. 

It is just about learning to pause between what you feel and what action you take about that feeling.

Sometimes speak.

Sometimes text.

Sometimes say I’m triggered.

Sometimes explain.

Sometimes indulge in long mindless chatter.

And all other times — WAIT ⏳

My Yoga-lovin’ California Hippie Era

I’ve joined a new yoga studio in town. It’s in a shopping complex where I go on Wednesdays for the farmers market. It’s also next to our local Whole Foods (aka Whole Paycheck) :)!

So you might be thinking that’s a great thing, right?

Well - sure. I’ve only been to a couple classes so far, with my friend Sarah. The classes I’ve taken are called “Restore” — they are gentle, slow paced, have deep stretches, long holds, and always end with Shavasana. Bliss 🧘🏽‍♀️

So what’s the issue, you may ask?

You see - I’ve always been of the opinion that yoga in the US feels very whitewashed. It is a very different practice from what I grew up with.

Here in the West, it’s all about:: 

Boutique studios.

Fancy blue-lit rooms.

Soft Indian instrumental music playing in the background.

Skinny women in tight Lulu leggings and sports bras. 

Some dudes show up topless too 👀

Fancy yoga mats.

Fancy props.

White instructors….that end every class with a Namaste 🙏 

A practice with such deep ancient roots in India 🇮🇳 travels halfway across the planet, and becomes part of this massive wellness culture here!

And you know what baffles me?

I LOVE these classes! I DIG THEM! 

I wish they were taught by brown women - it would make it a lot more authentic for me, but I don’t mind the white instructors honestly. They have always been sooper kind and sweet to me.

I wish people wore loose clothing, and I saw people of all ages and sizes in these classes. And at the same time I naturally fit into this demographic without trying hard.

And I was wondering why today….

And I came up with a few reasons::

:: Restore sequence — a class like this is in striking contrast with the rest of my day. Here, all I have to do is show up. Someone chooses the sequence, the music, the clock, when to move, when to lie down and sleep. I can surrender myself under their guidance. For that hour, there are no demands. And I can simply “be”. It’s a terrific boost to my nervous system.

:: Cleanliness and Punctuality — one of the biggest pet peeves I have with brown instructors is that they don’t start their classes on time. I like to plan and schedule my day, and delays throw me off. And when they run their classes from their homes or garages, it’s often not clean or tidy. I prefer a professional setup that is aesthetically pleasing, starts on time, is purpose driven, and provides a respite from a home environment. 

:: Free vs paid — let’s say it how it is. You get what you pay for….I firmly believe in that!

:: Quiet company without responsibility — in a yoga class, I’m surrounded by people in a quiet room, as we are all being gently guided by someone. It’s a place where I don’t have to converse, parent, organize, drive, solve anything. It’s liberating to my over-anxious constantly performing brain. 

I have experienced this same feeling on other occasions. For example in Chicago at Lollapalooza, I thought I wouldn’t enjoy the crowds. But I loved the crowds. I loved being among strangers. I was among people but I didn’t have to serve anyone’s needs. Nobody knew me so there was no talking or listening or QnA required. 

One aspect of grief that has been painful to deal with is the fear of more loss. It’s not loneliness, but even when I’m peaceful with solitude, I find myself craving the comfort of collective quiet company. My therapist helped me process this - it is because when I’m around a bunch of strangers, that fear of death or loss stays at bay. 

So yeah - 

I feel I’m in my California Yoga-lovin’ Hippie Era right now :)

I joked with Sarah yesterday that who are these people who show up at 10am and 11am for these packed classes — what do they do for a living, and how can they afford it….

She looks at me and says - they might be wondering the same thing about you and me 🙈

So am I thoroughly white conditioned?

Nah. I’ve never replaced my culture. However, I’ve adapted and layered California culture over my Indian culture for sure. 

I met an Indian friend today at a Janmashtami puja who teaches yoga virtually from her home, and she wants to do a private yoga class for my friends & me in my backyard. I can’t wait to make that happen.  

So I can love a boutique blue-lit studio yoga class while listening to soft instrumental music and being taught by a white instructor, AND also love a backyard yoga session taught by an Indian instructor surrounded by Indian friends wearing Kurtas and Pallazos. 

Both cultures are mine now ❤️

10 Things you CAN do or say to a grieving person

(From the archive - June 2025)

In my previous post, I vented out about things NOT to say to a grieving person or family. ALL of those things have been said or been texted to me since my husband passed away in April 2025.

As time goes by, those messages have become infrequent thankfully. Phone calls have reduced, text messages have reduced, and from my point of view, it seems that 95% of the people who showed up at the funeral or reached out to me when they heard the news have moved on to live their own lives. As they should, if I may say so.

For me, it still feels that the life and world I was living in has come to an abrupt end. It feels I am suspended in space and the earth below me keeps spinning as if nothing happened. It’s still too soon to comprehend moving forward in any sort of way. We still don’t have the autopsy results, and my husband’s cause of death is still pending investigation. I am trying to get our affairs in order but it’s painfully slow. Although I am making solid progress on many important matters, trauma and grief looms large over every thought and every action that I take.

Continuing my efforts to educate the community, here are a few things that you CAN say, or do for a grieving person and their family:

1. “I’m here” — Show up for them IN PERSON, if you can. Be a companion and walk through this journey WITH them. This has been invaluable for me. I cannot thank each family member and friend of mine that has shown up, rolled up their sleeves, and been there to do what’s needed to be done. Figure out what you can help with, or share what your skills are, what you are good at, and offer your unconditional support during this traumatic time.
2. “Be there to just listen” — Offer to be present, in-person or virtually, to just listen. Don’t judge. And have integrity to respect their privacy, please. Give them the freedom to say whatever is on their mind. This has also been invaluable for me.
3. Send thoughtful texts and messages — When you cannot show up in person, send them thoughtful messages. Instead of sending messages where the grieving person has to answer questions, say things like: “I’m thinking of you. Sending you love.” or “I’m here for you whenever you need me”. or “This day must be hard (especially if it’s a monthly death anniversary or a birthday), and I’m sending you extra love and comfort.” or “No need to reply. I love you and I miss you.” Many times, especially when I’m struggling to sleep at night, a message like this has helped me overcome my sadness.
4. “Narrow it down” — Instead of asking “let me know how I can help” or “what can I do for you”…..If you are local, plan a coffee date, lunch, dinner, game night, movie outing, hike, walk, with the grieving person. Also, do not put the burden on them to give you date and time options — they are already overwhelmed and this is going to add stress to their plate. You need to figure out something you can offer along with a couple options to propose for scheduling — “does Wednesday or Friday lunch work for you?” “Can I bring salad on Monday for lunch and we can sit n chat?”. Also, please don’t be offended if they say no, more than once. If you are a true friend, you will be patient in giving them the time and space to heal. Stay in touch!
5. “Care packages” — Send them gifts or gift cards. This may sound like a selfish ask, but if you are unable to do anything in-person, then send the family $$. They will certainly appreciate it. Most families spend thousands of dollars for funeral arrangements, then have to take time off work which could be unpaid, and insurance/other payouts take months to settle. If the person who passed away was suffering from an illness, that also has taken a toll on the family. A little bit of financial help will go a long way in bringing a smile on their face. It could be gift cards to their their favorite restaurants and coffee shops. It could be gift cards to their regular grocery stores. It could be a mani-pedi session. It could be a book or a journal. It could be a gift of massage or a spa day. It could be something for their kids, an outing they could enjoy together or a gift of experience. It can be tickets to a theme park. If you know the family well, this should not be too difficult to figure out.
6. “Getaways, vacations, invites” — This is only possible if you are intimately close with the family. A getaway can do wonders for the mind and body, so plan it for them. Or, invite them to spend a weekend at your place and offer to take care of them during that time — it will very much be appreciated. Remember, their loss is permanent. Their loved one is never coming back. So don’t just think near term. Perhaps in the near term they are unable to travel with you. Stay with them for the long haul — months or even years down the road. If you’ve gone on adventures with them before, continue to include them in future plans. A lot of widows and widowers find it very hard to join activities with other couples’ — so try to avoid excluding them and make them feel that they are always invited and included.
7. Talk about their loved ones, share memories — There might be a few exceptions to this one. But a majority of people who have lost a loved one don’t want to forget them. They want to remember them, they want to move forward in their life while keeping their memory alive. So ask them to share about the happy times. Share your own happy memories and times spent together with the person who passed away. Especially as time goes by, and when grief doesn’t feel heavy, they will really appreciate this.
8. Celebrate their triumphs — Most people who lose a loved one, especially when it happens suddenly, will have to move forward and adapt to living with the absence of their loved ones for the rest of their lives. They will have to do things they have never done before — in my case, it starts with something as simple as putting the trash cans out every week. Single parents will have to raise children on their own, serving the role of mom AND dad. As they navigate this new life, empower your friends by celebrating their wins — big and small. This will give a huge boost to them and will keep them going. It will make them feel that their efforts are seen, validated, and they matter.
9. Honor and prioritize your commitments to them — If you made plans with them, don’t change them last minute. If you promised to come through for them, see it through. If they asked for help and you committed to helping them, make it happen. When a person is already grieving the loss of a loved one, they are vulnerable. They don’t have thick skin yet. They are nervous about asking for help. Don’t subject them to the secondary loss of bailing on them or betraying their trust in you, please.
10. Secondary losses — The worst thing to say to a grieving friend is “nothing”. No message. No check-in. No call. Silence is painful and brutal. Your silence becomes another loss that they are left to deal with. Grief doesn’t need the perfect words, but it needs presence. Imperfect, messy, unpolished, quiet presence. So please show up for them. Show real empathy, listen without judgement, and help them through their dark and trying times to the best of your ability.

10 Things NOT to say to a grieving person

(From the archive -  May 2025)

It’s been a little over a month that my husband passed away. It was sudden and unexpected.

For the first three days, we kept the news to ourselves. We were in shock and disbelief then, and we are still in disbelief today. Once we announced the news to the world after finalizing his funeral details, there were a lot of condolence messages and support that poured in. 450+ people showed up for his funeral on a rainy Saturday — the support made a painful time for our family a tiny bit bearable.

Sad to say, the community support has all been largely downhill from there. It seems people just don’t know what/when/how to say the right things to a grieving spouse, to grieving children, to a grieving family. This has been an unexpected burden and stress to me, my children and my family.

In an effort to educate the community, here are a few things that you should NOT say to a grieving person or family:

1. “How are you doing?” or “Are you doing alright?” Ugh. I hate this question. Most grieving people find this question very difficult to answer. Grief comes in waves, one minute you smile at a memory, another minute you are in a puddle of tears, and the next minute you have crippling fear or anxiety. For you, it is one question, but for the grieving person, they get the same question from many people daily, and it is very difficult to answer. By asking this question, you are also placing the burden on the grieving person to give you details and answers when they are already at capacity and cannot give back to anyone at this time. A better message would be: “Hey I’m thinking of you. You are loved. I’m here for you whenever you need me.” or “Hi, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you love and support.” or “Hi, I am holding you in our hearts as you grieve. I am here for you and you may feel lonely but you are not alone.” (Thank you April and Wendy for sending such messages to me multiple times a week).

2. “You don’t look or seem sad” — This has been said more to my kids than me. Very appalling. Children live in the moment, and deserve to be joyful each day. Even though they have lost their father (in my case), they are still alive. They also deserve to be shielded from grief as much as possible by their caregivers. People have said this about me as well, more behind my back than on my face, primarily because they don’t see me mourning in public. Grief is like a broken rib — you can’t see it from the outside but every breath hurts. The least everyone can do to help the grieving family is to give them their non-judgmental space to grieve in whatever way they deem fit. We have no idea what battles everyone fights internally, or in the privacy of their homes, so please show empathy and be kind.

3. “Are things back to normal?” or “Are you better?” — Another one of those questions that a grieving family has no idea how to answer. There is no normal or better. Whatever normal they knew has been shattered and torn into pieces. They are generally taking it day by day, working hard to figure out a new normal for them. My kids are never going to get their dad back, and I am never going to get my husband back. Whether we accept it or not, our life has suddenly changed. We don’t know what normal is. Please refrain from asking such a question.

4. “He is in a better place” or “Everything happens for a reason” or “It was his time” — Umm, No. There is no logical explanation to our loss. My kids deserve their dad in their life. I deserve my partner next to me. His place is with us — with his wife, his children, his parents, his siblings, his loved ones. We want him here with us. Period!

5. “Time is the only remedy to cope with this” or “Time heals all wounds” or “God never gives you more than you can handle”— Again, not helpful at all. Trust me, the grieving family doesn’t need your philosophy or deep insight at this time. In the beginning, their loss hurts even more as time passes by, because day by day you accept and realize that your person is never coming back. I don’t know how I will feel months down the road, or years down the road, but I don’t have the capacity to think that far. I am literally taking things day by day.

6. “Let me know if I can help you” or “Let me know if you need anything” — although the intention behind this is always good, it places the burden on the griever to figure out the details on how/what/when to ask for help. Perhaps with time, I will be ok with this statement and the sentiment behind it. But right now, it feels like a burden and it is overwhelming. Usually, you will rely on your family and inner circle for most of your daily needs, and delegate asking outside of the circle to them, instead of doing the work yourself. So if the person doesn’t ask you for help, or doesn’t reply to you directly, please don’t feel bad or take offense to it. They are just overwhelmed, and don’t know what to say.

7. “You need therapy” — unless you are part of their inner circle, please don’t suggest this. Let them deal with their loss in the best way they deem fit.

8. “What happened? How did he die?” — Totally inappropriate. Please keep your curiosity to yourself. Rehashing their loved ones manner of passing doesn’t help one bit to the grieving family. It is painful, and traumatic. They are already in a vulnerable state. You don’t need to know the details, however bad your may “want” to know them. If they willingly share any details with you, please listen with compassion and empathy, and if they don’t, accept it without any questions asked. You are NOT entitled a front row seat to someone else’s tragedy. You may only care about the “tea”, but please just pray for the family instead.

9. “I can’t imagine what you are going through” or “ “I can’t imagine losing my husband. I don’t know what I would do.” — You know what this feels like to a grieving person? It feels like you telling them: “I’m so glad it’s not me going through this, it’s you”. Just a very shitty and unkind thing to say. You are creating a space, a distinction, a barrier, between yourselves and them, and it feels inappropriate and derogatory. If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything. Please!

10. Last but not the least:: “You are so strong” or “Stay strong” or “I don’t know how you do it” — Ugh. Cringe. No one prepares you for handling such a sudden loss. I never imagined being a single parent. I didn’t imagine being a young widow. Just like you, I had plans and dreams for our future, for our retirement that are now shattered. My strength perhaps in other areas of life didn’t give me a manual for handling such a profound loss. Please refer to my previous post for more on how I feel about this. (https://medium.com/@shachi.thakkar/a-months-mind-f136306bbec9)

We are a grief illiterate society. Grief literacy really matters. It is so severely lacking in our society, and each one of us can do better. Please be extremely mindful of your choice of words, and actions, with those who are grieving. Your intentions are not doubted, but your words and actions have an impact. Grieving people are vulnerable and do NOT have thick skin. Show them by your thoughtful actions that you care, and if you cannot do anything because you are far away, then just pray for them and keep them in your thoughts!

In my next post, I will share the top 10 things you CAN say or do for a grieving person!

September 2026 update:: This thrash hasn’t stopped. Lately I’ve tried to connect with many folks who tried to reach out to me last year, but I simply didn’t have bandwidth. And some of the same stuff keeps coming up over and over again!

Also, I don’t know why every single person thinks Sameer died of a heart attack. That assumption makes me so livid. 

What is your purpose in life?

When Sameer passed away, a lot of people would walk up to me and say - “You have a strong purpose in life - to raise your children. You will be okay because of that.”

This sentiment of having a purpose in life keeps coming up in conversations.

What IS my purpose in life?

Now that I’ve quit the typical 9-5 job, this question will come up even more often. 

So let’s explore that a bit.

I DO have a huge responsibility as an only parent to raise my children and see them graduate high school followed by some college degree. But I don’t feel that’s my sole purpose in life.

I want to live long, and want a longer “health span”, not just a longer “life span”. For that, I need to take care of myself - physically, emotionally, mentally! But that cannot be your sole purpose either, can it?

I want to stay curious - travel the world, read a lot of books, go on hikes, learn an instrument, make art, cook new recipes, meet friends, have fun — that’s keeping the child in me alive, “playing” while living - can that be my purpose?

I’m sure I’ll have a second career of some sort - I don’t know what it is yet. Could that become my purpose?

Some people say purpose is the main reason you get up each morning 😂. Sorry, I find this too funny. These days I get up to get kids to school, or during weekends, their activities. And I certainly don’t want that to be my only purpose in life 😂

I took this quiz:: 

https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/quizzes/take_quiz/purpose_in_life

What they are looking for in this quiz is that you have a purpose that’s meaningful as well as positively impacts the lives of others or the world around you. 

And this is what I got::

I don’t understand the results. 

My true answer today to this question would be:

— Be the best parent I can be for my children

— Care for my aging parents 

— Find a second career that aligns with my passion, skills, gives back to community, brings me joy, and something that I never have to retire from 

— Leave Planet Earth better than when I was born - reduce my carbon footprint & stay vegan

— Inspire, influence, enable, empower, mentor, motivate, help fellow human beings as much, as often as I can 

— Always be willing to help those who have less than me 

— Bring peace

— Be kind

— Be empathetic

Care. Growth. Contributions. Curiosity. 

Maybe I don’t need to figure out ONE purpose in life. There can be many. Or maybe my purpose can change as I keep changing. So purpose need not be a destination, but it can simply be a way I choose to live!! 

If you are reading this - Do you have a purpose in life?