She keeps calling…..

Last night, we got late for dinner. Ruhi had cello class, Rusham had debate class. I was feeding kids dinner when mother called. 

I spoke to her at length. I also spoke with dad. And then, she asked me if I wanted to talk to the neighbor. I said “No”. But you see, mother is not very good with boundaries. And she doesn’t accept a No very easily. 

So I was forced to exchange pleasantries with the neighbor. Then the kids were also coaxed into doing the same. 

Today evening, she called again. Same time as usual. I was on another call. I still had dishes to do. Trash bins to roll out to the curb. I’ve been exhausted today. I’ve been exhausted now for a few months. So I didn’t pick up her phone.

She called twice. Then she called my daughter, who spoke to her. She knew we are okay. Then she called me 4 more times. 

Yes - she called me 6 times today. As I said earlier, No doesn’t belong to her dictionary. 

And you know what? 

She is the only one in this entire world who has always kept coming for me. And as long as she is alive, she always will!

I remember when I moved to a girls hostel at the beginning of my 3rd semester in undergrad. I was 19 years old. I was thrust into a completely new and alien environment overnight. 

I was sharing a room with 3 other girls - one was a lesbian, one used to drink illegally in our dry state along with spending occasional nights away on weekends with boys. The food at the hostel kitchen used to be spicy for me and not appetizing. Bathrooms were dirty. Laundry had to wait for the weekend. No cell phones, no life 360, no FaceTime, no laptops, no DoorDash. 

But one thing kept me going during those 2.5 years in hostel:: a daily 7pm call from my mother. She never missed a day. I would wait by the phone booth daily. And she never disappointed me. 

Today brought up 2 painful memories for me. Once, after an argument, Sameer left the house. He switched off his phone. He didn’t return for 3 days. I was alone with 2 young kids. They were old enough to understand feeling abandoned. 

Another time, I had returned with my one year old daughter from San Diego. Although my memory is vague, what I remember is not having the garage code to enter the home. And after I entered, I didn’t have the code to disengage our home alarm. Sameer had switched off his phone and left the house after telling me that he won’t pick me up from the airport, and I had to call neighbors that night who helped me call the security company ADT to reset the home alarm.

I have trauma from feeling abandoned. I don’t like when I’m left alone during a conflict. Even if I’m at fault, I want the other person to sit with me and process the emotions. When that doesn’t happen, I withdraw. I feel empty and shallow. It takes me a long time to accept this kind of behavior. And it permanently damages the relationship for me. I want my loved ones to keep their ego aside and keep coming back to me. Fight for me.

Back to today. 

One day, my mom may not be here. 

And I would give the world to get a call from her. 

Sameer’s death has made that very clear to me.

And so, after all my chores were done - dishes, kitchen, trash bins, Ruhi’s cello, laundry - I called her back. FaceTimed. Listened. Yapped. Made her happy. Felt content myself. 

And thanked god before going to bed - for this one person in the entire world, who has always kept coming for me ❤️

The view before everything changed….

 

April 19, 2025. Sitting on a threshold. Fujikawaguchiko, Japan!

It was the most gorgeous day!!

Peak cherry blossoms 🌸 everywhere, Mt. Fuji in full view, and the three of us soaking it all in ❤️

Little did I know how completely my life was going to flip upside down just a few hours later.

Fast forward to today.

It has been nearly 16 months since then.

On April 19, 2025 — Sameer passed away, suddenly and unexpectedly. He was on his way back from India to SFO and died in-flight due to a pulmonary embolism. 

His dad passed away a year later. Sudden cardiac arrest at home, while on a call with Sameer’s siblings.

I sold our home in August 2026. A place where we had built 17 years of precious memories. Our first home together, where both our children were born and we grew as a family. 

And I quit my job at Intel after almost 26 years. My last day at Intel was this past Saturday. 

August 15, 2026 - India’s 80th Independence Day. Freedom for me too - from the 8 to 5 corporate grind. At least for a little while. 

Work. Home. Family.

Three identities.
Three anchors.
Three pillars of existence.

All gone. Like a whoosh. 

It feels very unnerving. To say the least.

And yet, there is no rest for the weary.

A never ending to-do list. 

There are teens to raise. A new home to settle into. Paperwork. Finances. Appointments. Activities. Meals. Errands. Chores. Decisions. Responsibilities. 

And perhaps a second career stint. 

A life that somehow keeps demanding to be lived even while you’re trying to understand what just happened to the old one.

Somehow. Someday.

I’m hoping I find some peace soon.

Some downtime.

Some stability.

Joy in a new normal.

And a way to move forward while carrying Sameer with us.

Till then, I carry on.

And hope. ❤️

The Asian Indian Immigrant Curse

 The past few weeks have brought a string of bad news from my friend circle. 

I've been toying with the idea of writing a book - the abstract theme being first generation and maybe second generation Asian Indians who immigrated to America, and how their life stories unfolded. It would be a combination of real life stories and fiction. 

And as I keep getting more and more of these bad news, I am compelled to pen them down in one way or another. Why? I have some reasons which I will share later, as I still need to ponder over them a bit. 

#1: A mom in her 30s has been battling brain cancer for 4+ years now. Her life, since the day of her diagnosis, has been so difficult. She has gone through surgeries, been in coma for several weeks, has had to endure radiation and chemo, and constant use of steroids has made her gain so much weight. But that's only part of the equation. The real sad aspects of this diagnosis and her suffering are beyond just her physical health. Her spouse and kids (as well as parents n extended family) have also had to endure these years. They've all grown apart from each other. The kids don't consider their mom "a real mom" and husband doesn't feel her to be "a wife or partner". Because, whichever way you look at it, she is dependent, and largely disabled. She can't see very well, she can't drive, she cant run/jump, she can't cook much - and no matter how compassionate, empathetic, or kind we are -- until we are forced to be in a situation like this family, we have no idea how we will deal with it when such circumstances fall upon us. As an outsider, I see this family's life and future crumbling down, and at times, it brings unbearable sadness to me. Not sure how they feel about coming here as young professionals in their 20s, leaving behind everything they knew and their entire support system, and being faced with such a tragedy so early in life. It sure feels like a curse!!

#2: 4 different friends have had to fly to India on short notice as one of their parents (or siblings) got diagnosed with cancer, or other life threatening issues. One has prostate cancer. One has nerve damage/lung damage from post-covid complications. One has leukemia. Another had a brother who suddenly past away due to cardiac arrest. Most of our parents are now in their 70s, some also in their 80s. You can argue and say it is expected. But you always hear news about things happening to other people, and only when it happens or affects you directly is when you realize how difficult it is. These friends are young professionals, in their 30s or early 40s, with spouses and kids in schools. The way our life is structured in the US, it is extremely difficult to be a single parent without support. So when one parent has to travel urgently, it's adds a tremendous amount of burden on the parent that now has to pick up single parenting responsibilities. I am wondering if we can anticipate it and plan for it, knowing that as parents get older, they will need our help at some point? None of our parents want to move here, and clearly, we don't want to leave everything behind and move back to India. This is the immigrant curse again, especially for first generation immigrants who left their parents behind when they came here to prosper. 

#3: Retirement - I have also started thinking about how (and where) I would like to retire. I certainly don't expect my kids to take care of me, unless I am severely disabled and cannot sustain myself without help. I try to eat a nutritious plant-based diet, exercise regularly, walk every single day, do daily breathwork and meditation - all in hopes of keeping myself healthy as I age. But I cannot control or choose what the future will bring to me. I wonder how immigrants who have been coming for so many years have managed, and whether they have been happy with their choices, or whether they have struggled, or are still struggling, and what kind of mental emotional issues have they faced. Do they feel they have a support system in place, or they feel they could have been happier if they have never come here? I have so much curiosity about this phase of life. I know my parents are okay so far, but at times, they lament on how none of their kids live in India. But when they come here, they are not thrilled either. Again, that immigrant curse, especially for first generation immigrants, strikes hard!

I will continue to post more of these stories - and would love to hear your thoughts on this topic!

Hola!

Hope things have been well for you, my dear readers!!

 Time for musings from this year so far....

 

-- Bridgeton on Netflix - Just finished watching Season 2. I am not a big TV or Netflix person, but I happened to watch Season 1 last year and had enjoyed it. The lead female character this season is South Asian, and there are a few other cast members who are diverse as well. It's refreshing to see how mainstream studios are now choosing brown people as their leads. There is a distinct shift in the entertainment industry that you can observe, and it's refreshing to see. Since my involvement with Hollywood or entertainment was always limited, I never really thought how difficult it was for people inclined in creative/visual/performing arts to find projects and jobs because it has always been a white dominated industry. I watched Oscars and Grammys etc and would hear about how black people rarely won an Oscar, but didn't really connect it with the 2nd and 3rd generation Asian population in the US also experiencing similar outcomes. I love what I'm seeing - from beauty brands like Tinted and Ranavat, to Priyanka Chopra's Hair Care brand Anamoly, to talk show host Lily Singh, to Simone Ashley in Bridgerton Season 2 - it seems we have arrived on the scene!! 

-- The Starch Solution by Dr John McDougall - I have known about this book, and the starch solution method/way of eating - for a while now. But it's taken a long, convoluted road for me to adopt it as a lifestyle. I made the switch to eating primarily starch based in the beginning of 2022, and what a life-changing shift has occurred. No other diet worked for me in the past because it always came with calorie restrictions - this one doesn't. I love potatoes, and rice, and fruits, and I can eat to my heart, mind and stomach's content on this plan. I've been vegan for a long time now, so I had the basics nailed down already, but my daily meals were not balanced. I'm eating a lot more vegetables, and have been able to identify and deal with triggers associated with emotional eating and social pleasing. 

I've dropped 22 lbs so far in 2022, and can't wait to get my cholesterol checked in May, to see how it has improved. I feel better than ever, mentally and emotionally, more than physically. 

I've found a great mentor and coach, Linda, who has helped me through this process. And I'm not done yet - there is still work to do. Linda is 78 years old, and has been vegan for 34 years, and eats starch based. She was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 44, and has been cancer free all these years. I've been lucky and blessed to cross paths with her, and have recommended her to friends who have also benefited from her counseling and guidance. 

Please read the book, and read the newsletters online from Dr. McDougall's website. There is no reason in this age to continue to rely on animals for our dietary needs. Meat, Seafood, Eggs, Dairy - they all come with unnecessary torture, suffering and killing of animals and birds. It's the modern day Holocaust that we willingly participate in - day in and day out. As humans, we CAN choose to do better. We have choices to substitute everything that comes from animals to something that comes from the plant kingdom - and I wish more and more people understood and adopted this. 

-- Minimalism: I have a sooper fab update on this topic, that I touched upon briefly last year. I can now say that I have achieved my goal of completely decluttering my entire house of things that I don't need, and it is now a minimalist household. I did a lot of reading, consulting with organizing companies, making plans, etc - and after doing that for almost 2 years, I found one lady - Rachel - who I hired to help me with this process. To start and finish on my own was overwhelming, so hiring Rachel was a blessing. She works by herself, is extremely affordable, and we did a trial day together. We hit it off like we had been best friends for years, and over a period of 2 months, where she came anywhere from 4-10 hours per week to my house (half day, 2 half days, 1 full day each week, depending on her schedule and my availability) - we went through every shelf/drawer/cabinet/closet/storage in my house, and got rid of what we don't need. Not only that, she helped me put systems in place for organizing, so that it takes us few minutes daily or even weekly to keep things the way they always are. We did this in Feb-March of 2022, and I can say that it's been working GREAT so far. The #1 thing I used to dread is folding n putting away my laundry, now it only takes me 5 mins, and my closet is 25% of what it used to be. For the first time since our wedding, my husband and I now share a closet, and we still have space :)!! The kitchen and pantry is also free from unnecessary "nice to have" "may need one day" stuff, and it's all organized superbly. From desperately wanting to move out either to declutter or upgrade our home, we now have an empty living room, and space in all closets. We no longer feel this urgent need to move to a bigger home, and the peace of mind that this effort has brought has been priceless. 

My next goal on minimalism is digital media consumption. And I'm still working on social media addiction, to be honest. I spend way too much time on social media, and am not happy about it. I think it still fills a void for me, and I'm in the process of figuring out why I feel a void without it, what purpose it serves, and how can I be happy without it. I don't want to rush into giving it up without understanding the reasons properly, so for now, I've put time limits on all my apps. And I'm slowly working my way to filling the void without social media. 

-- Breathing/Meditation/Art/Journaling/Daily Walks - I continue to practice all of these daily, in some form or other. Adding blogging to the mix now. These are all sooper important for my mental health, especially my daily walks. 

-- Strength training - I hired a new personal trainer this year, after my previous one relocated to a different part of California last year. As such, the previous trainer was not working out well for my needs. I needed someone who would work on my form, and help me correct mistakes as well as help strengthen weak areas of my body so that I could effortlessly do pushups, pullups, narrow squats, etc. Again, through some networking and manifesting, I found someone who seems to fit my needs extremely well so far. I workout with her, Jackie, twice a week at my house. Her workouts are a full 70 mins, and I'm already doing perfect narrow squats, and assisted band pullups. We are working on strengthening my core, which I think is hindering my progress with doing full pushups. I can do 3-5 pushups, but my form isn't great. I'm sooper happy with the progress this year so far. And I can't wait to see where I'll be with my strength in a few months!!

-- Finance and Investments - This is another area where I really need to grow my knowledge. I was never really taught how to manage all the money I earn. I've been working for 20+ years now in the US, and know a few things. But I am still very much a beginner. One of the goals I have is to generate enough passive income in the next 5 years to not have to rely on a paycheck after that. So I'm learning and spending time understand all the different ways I can achieve that goal. My husband is the same as me - just because he is a man, doesn't mean it all comes naturally to him. He is more laidback than I am, and that hasn't helped us being smart about our investments. Well, better late than never. We were so swamped with raising our babies that we couldn't find time to think beyond our day to day life. Now we can, and I'm making it a priority. I've already made a couple of good investments this year so far, and I'm manifesting that in 5 years or less, I can generate sustainable passive income to not have to work at all. It's a lofty goal, but let's see where it takes me. If you can help in anyway, with books/courses/contacts in US/ideas to help me with this, please do. I'll be sooper grateful if I find resources that can reduce the amount of time I have to spend to learn things myself, or make the mistakes n learn from them, or reduce the time it takes to achieve goals - anything that will help me I'm willing to accept help. 

Next post will be an update on the kids :)

More musings.....

1) Pilates - I joined a small studio few weeks ago, and have been going twice a week. Earlier this year, I went to a Pelvic PT for many sessions after I realized I had an issue that was severely limiting my ability in terms of certain types of movements, lifts, yoga poses, and long (greater than 10 mile) runs. The PT helped me a bit, more with what not to do and how to prevent worsening my injury, but it hasn't solved the problem. So in lieu of joining the big gym that I used to love pre-Covid, I started Pilates. I am LOVING it - immensely. The movements are so subtle, so small, I don't break a sweat or even raise my heart rate, but I come back sore every single time. Its helping me tone, lengthen and stretch my muscles - again, the changes are subtle but will add up over time. I also love the instructor - she is gentle, supportive, and brings really good energy. 

Have you tried Pilates? Do you like it, love it, or hate it?

2) Plant based diet (and the dreaded protein question) - If you didn't already know, I've been on a plant based diet for more than 3 years now. I grew up vegetarian, and dairy was a big part of my meals, especially snacks. My brother-in-law turned vegan first - he is a huge activist, and to be fair, he didn't push us into it but shared what he had learnt about the suffering of animals and the brutal realities of the meat and dairy industry, especially in the US. As I read more books, watched documentaries, visited farms - I was convinced that a plant based way of eating is the way to go. I don't like to use the term "vegan" because it always brings out negative vibes.....and I am not 100% vegan yet - my car still has leather seats for example. We try to focus on whole food plant based (wfpb) - ideally would be zero oil, no processed junk, minimal salt, no processed sugar, and I'd say we are 80-85% complaint. I've always had issues digesting dairy, which I didn't realize when I was consuming it, but now that I'm off it, I can see how much better my gut feels. I love fruits and vegetables and don't find this way of eating difficult. But the moment someone finds out you are plant based, they jump on the dreaded protein question - so where do you get your protein? I fail to understand America's obsession with protein. Actually, even my Indian vegetarian friends are brainwashed into thinking that giving up dairy will cause imbalances in their diet, and they will suddenly become protein deficient, and lose all their muscle. Some of my friends are Jain, who don't eat root vegetables like potatoes and onions, don't eat leafy greens on certain days of the month, but happily consume dairy without pausing to think how much suffering the animals have to endure and how many animals are killed in the process. Even eggs - if you learn about the egg industry, you will find out that male chicks are either ground up alive or gassed to death because they are worthless. Egg laying hens are sent to slaughterhouses at the end of their reproductive cycle. I don't know how you can argue about the circle of life, blah blah blah in this day and age, when the world's population can easily thrive off of plants. And no one talks about Fiber - way more important for the gut microbiome than protein, carbs and fats. 

If you want recommendations on books, movies, podcasts on plant based diet, please let me know, I will be happy to share what I know.

3) Covid - California re-opened today. No social distancing, no masks, indoor dining open, theme parks and concerts back on...a huge step forward towards normalcy. I'm on the fence about this whole thing - our state is doing amazing with the numbers, but a large population is still unvaccinated. Kids under 12 are not eligible to receive vaccines yet. The delta variant is here but is not the dominant strain yet - so we don't know how things will look like in near future. But businesses have been suffering for months, schools have been closed in-person for a long time, and people have been cooped up for so long, that some sort of relief is necessary. 

I also have mixed feelings about the whole post-covid socialization and large indoor gatherings/festivities. I know of friends who continued to socialize and did not respect social distancing rules/protocols throughout the pandemic - they didn't care that they could have potentially infected someone who was immuno-compromised by their actions, and caused long term issues or even death. So selfish and callous. I know people who didn't spend a single weekend with just themselves in their own home - they have such a strong need to socialize that they are uncomfortable with their own company. Do I just ignore/forget these behaviors and move on as if all is okay and nothing happened? How can I trust these people to do the right thing next time something like this happens? 

So far, we still don't do indoor meetups with friends. We do socialize outdoors, with or without masks depending on who we are with, and kids are enrolled in team sports as well. We do travel and take all the necessary precautions of wearing masks, washing hands, wiping surfaces, and maintaining distance when out n about. I have anxiety thinking about large indoor gatherings. I don't miss them as much. I've grown fond of 1:1 meetups and meaningful conversations, over small talk n gossip. Quality over quantity any day!!

4) Last musing of the day: Books - what have you been reading lately? My reading habits have been poor - I'm reading like 3-4 books at a time...and taking SO long to finish them. I switch between kindle and paperbacks....I have books on my bedside table and a different book in the living room....so I'm always switching back n forth. I also read a few books that the kids were reading in order to help them with correcting their school work (the whole virtual learning was a big fiasco in terms of writing growth). I'm glad I'm still reading a lot, but I wish I can bring the focus and discipline of finishing books cover to cover back. Today was a good day. I finished half of this book - "Live your life", one of the first memoirs about someone who passed away after a long COVID battle in the hospital, written by his wife. I've been following her Instagram and could relate to a lot of it; the book was surprisingly not depressing....I found it uplifting and inspiring. 

https://www.amazon.com/Live-Your-Life-Loving-Cordero/dp/0063078252

That's it for today!!

Random Musings

 It's been a while!

Hope you are all well, safe and healthy as the pandemic still rages on. 

We are doing well, honestly blessed and privileged compared to a majority of the world's population and I have no complaints, only gratitude!

Just popped in here to jot down some random musings....been neglecting this space for too long and I figured I'll make it spontaneous so that I can blog more often.

So what's on my mind today:

1) CALM - I love this meditation app. Today I took a short masterclass on the art of stillness by Pico Iyer. I love how he said we must schedule appointments with ourselves and use that time to do nothing, just sit still, without gadgets, distractions, or an agenda. There are many more awesome sessions and classes on here. I was using Mindspace all through quarantine and I got bored of it. I love Mindspace as well, just needed a change for a bit. 

2) Social media detox - I need one badly. I haven't had Facebook on my phone for 18+ months now, but I have Instagram and twitter (although I only use twitter sparingly for news). I still feel I spend WAY too much time on my phone scrolling/browsing and this summer, I've taken a resolution to break this habit. I will read more, blog more, play more, create more - and really really cut down on my social media time.

3) Minimalism - been reading and listening to podcasts on this topic, and I want to move out of our home for a couple months and convert our house to a minimalist modern home. Somehow need to find a way to make it happen. I know I have a sabbatical coming up next summer, might really consider doing it then. I don't want to spend several weeks or months renovating our current home and re-furnishing it. Even if we reduce current clutter (which we have been systematically doing over the quarantine), we still a major overhaul with few basic things. Minimalism doesn't mean living without necessities or even luxury. But it really, for me, does mean spending as little time as possible with cleaning, tidying, upkeep and not having to stress about it on an ongoing basis.

4) Sleep - listen to Rich Roll's podcast with Alan Walker on sleep, so fascinating. Been implementing some changes in my sleep routine after that and I must say I feel better.

5) I still struggle with the conflict between what is "doing less" vs "being lazy or unproductive". Sometimes I feel I can use "doing less" as an argument to just not do anything. Waste time. Do nothing. Not plan special things or trips for kids. What is too much, or too little - is it possible to achieve that fine balance of doing just the right amount of things? Why do I feel this way? Because I feel people around me a doing a lot more, and surprisingly being able to manage it easily. Large homes, fancy cars, ambitious high level careers, tons of kids activities, working out, eating healthy, planning vacations, gatherings every weekend, kids exceling in school - they seem to have a good handle on all of it, whereas each of these bullets - I feel I have to struggle and work hard for, and let go of some of it as I can't manage or keep up. I'm not jealous of anyone (thank god), I really feel happy to see someone excel and succeed, but I do wonder why things come easily to others and not to me? Of course, on the other side, there are many who must be thinking about me that way, so I understand there are always 2 sides of a coin, but that doesn't stop me from pondering and feeling a bit anxious/insecure about these things. 

I have more musings but I have to leave right now....will come back soon and write more.

If you are reading this, I'd love for you to share your thoughts with me :)!

Coronacation update

My Oh My! The times we are living in these days....

How are you all doing with the pandemic situation? Hope everyone reading this post is healthy, safe and quarantined.

We are doing well so far - staying healthy, staying safe, and staying (mostly) home. We are allowed to leave the house for exercise and groceries, so except for these 2 things, we've been home.

There is so much to be grateful for during these uncertain times - we have continued employment and paychecks as we transitioned to working from home without any issues; kids have switched to online schooling, and although the teachers, parents and kids are still trying to figure out an optimal process/way of learning, there has been no dearth of resources or opportunities to grow during this time.

When there was no school during the first couple weeks, we focused on life skills like making their beds, folding their blankets and laundry, rinsing dishes, making smoothies and baking cookies, vacuuming the floor, and helping with general de-cluttering around the house, starting with loads of school paperwork that needed attention. Now that online school has started and there are assignments/tests due weekly, we try to wrap up our day by 3pm, and still get enough outdoor time and play/reading time in the evening.

Many new recipes have been tried and tested; many new skills have been gained; many books have been read; many family walks around local trails and neighborhood have happened; many family board games have been played; many much needed conversations about expectations and boundaries have happened!

The introvert within me is enjoying the social distancing (which does not equate to social abstinence). I am loving the slow pace of life with nowhere to drive, and no activities/sports/gatherings to attend.

The lockdown for us in California started more than a month ago. I was leading a project at work and had a deadline to meet couple weeks ago. I took an extra week to meet the deadline under tremendous pressure and after assessing the amount of hours I had to work, I made a choice (at the risk of either slowing or negatively impacting my professional growth) to give up my lead role and move back to an individual technical contributor where I could choose flexible hours to work and still be able to complete my deliverables on time. I don't know if I'm happy or sad about this change - I wish I didn't have to make a choice. But for now, it is what it is!!

I have taken vacation this week. It's been liberating to have screen free, meeting free days so far. I'm trying to optimize how kids can get their school work done with minimal intervention and help, and also knocking down items from my personal to-do list that had piled up!

One thing that has tremendously helped me, and which I'm proud of - is that I've exercised almost everyday. Although gyms are closed, my favorite trainers are all doing online classes from their garages/homes, and I've been able to fit in at least one strength/HIIT session on most days. My yoga instructor who taught me out of her home has also switched to ZOOM classes, so I get to do Yoga with her. And we've managed atleast 3-4 long hikes/walks as a family during the week. I am going to do everything I can to keep the same momentum going!

That's it for now from us - do update me on things at your end!

PS: Pictures from our 5-mile bike/walk around our neighborhood today:
(after many years, my terrible allergies have returned but it's too gorgeous to stay indoors and not enjoy this beautiful weather).....