The Asian Indian Immigrant Curse

 The past few weeks have brought a string of bad news from my friend circle. 

I've been toying with the idea of writing a book - the abstract theme being first generation and maybe second generation Asian Indians who immigrated to America, and how their life stories unfolded. It would be a combination of real life stories and fiction. 

And as I keep getting more and more of these bad news, I am compelled to pen them down in one way or another. Why? I have some reasons which I will share later, as I still need to ponder over them a bit. 

#1: A mom in her 30s has been battling brain cancer for 4+ years now. Her life, since the day of her diagnosis, has been so difficult. She has gone through surgeries, been in coma for several weeks, has had to endure radiation and chemo, and constant use of steroids has made her gain so much weight. But that's only part of the equation. The real sad aspects of this diagnosis and her suffering are beyond just her physical health. Her spouse and kids (as well as parents n extended family) have also had to endure these years. They've all grown apart from each other. The kids don't consider their mom "a real mom" and husband doesn't feel her to be "a wife or partner". Because, whichever way you look at it, she is dependent, and largely disabled. She can't see very well, she can't drive, she cant run/jump, she can't cook much - and no matter how compassionate, empathetic, or kind we are -- until we are forced to be in a situation like this family, we have no idea how we will deal with it when such circumstances fall upon us. As an outsider, I see this family's life and future crumbling down, and at times, it brings unbearable sadness to me. Not sure how they feel about coming here as young professionals in their 20s, leaving behind everything they knew and their entire support system, and being faced with such a tragedy so early in life. It sure feels like a curse!!

#2: 4 different friends have had to fly to India on short notice as one of their parents (or siblings) got diagnosed with cancer, or other life threatening issues. One has prostate cancer. One has nerve damage/lung damage from post-covid complications. One has leukemia. Another had a brother who suddenly past away due to cardiac arrest. Most of our parents are now in their 70s, some also in their 80s. You can argue and say it is expected. But you always hear news about things happening to other people, and only when it happens or affects you directly is when you realize how difficult it is. These friends are young professionals, in their 30s or early 40s, with spouses and kids in schools. The way our life is structured in the US, it is extremely difficult to be a single parent without support. So when one parent has to travel urgently, it's adds a tremendous amount of burden on the parent that now has to pick up single parenting responsibilities. I am wondering if we can anticipate it and plan for it, knowing that as parents get older, they will need our help at some point? None of our parents want to move here, and clearly, we don't want to leave everything behind and move back to India. This is the immigrant curse again, especially for first generation immigrants who left their parents behind when they came here to prosper. 

#3: Retirement - I have also started thinking about how (and where) I would like to retire. I certainly don't expect my kids to take care of me, unless I am severely disabled and cannot sustain myself without help. I try to eat a nutritious plant-based diet, exercise regularly, walk every single day, do daily breathwork and meditation - all in hopes of keeping myself healthy as I age. But I cannot control or choose what the future will bring to me. I wonder how immigrants who have been coming for so many years have managed, and whether they have been happy with their choices, or whether they have struggled, or are still struggling, and what kind of mental emotional issues have they faced. Do they feel they have a support system in place, or they feel they could have been happier if they have never come here? I have so much curiosity about this phase of life. I know my parents are okay so far, but at times, they lament on how none of their kids live in India. But when they come here, they are not thrilled either. Again, that immigrant curse, especially for first generation immigrants, strikes hard!

I will continue to post more of these stories - and would love to hear your thoughts on this topic!

What makes me feel alive....

:: Helping a local Indian mom, practically a stranger to me, with international child abduction. Using my network to line up lawyers, paperwork, finances, tickets, etc within a couple of days. And more importantly, providing strength, trust, and a listening ear....

:: Cooking a Gujarati lunch for my American friend and admin at work, who just finished chemotherapy and got an all clear on her illness. She loves our simple homecooked meals, and spoils my children rotten. And even though she is the one who is sick and recovering, she ALWAYS bakes cookies for us and brings them every single time we meet.

:: A movie date night with a longtime friend's wife who is new to my part of the country. Shopping, dining and travel tips, tidbits on life with 2 kids and work-life balance, and providing a listening ear to her daily struggles as she settles down here....

:: Volunteering to make a fall rainy day gift basket for the daughter's school. A first for me. And in the process, connecting intimately with 2 moms who were part of my team. Learning about African culture, their life story, their kids. Sharing a bit about us too.

:: An invitation to volunteer and support World Relief Sacramento, which helps refugees settle into the Greater Sacramento Area. The Syrian crisis is still on my mind, and I will use this opportunity to do something about it.

:: Through a volunteering position on the Executive committee for a local non-profit, it's been a pleasant surprise to find a group of like-minded Gujaratis who have extended our close circle of friends and family here. Kids have also found new best friends, and we are hoping for lots of fun times ahead with this group.

:: A calorie busting, sweat dripping cardio workout at home. And the sweet pain that follows. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qWy_aOlB45Y

:: And last but not the least, Chocolate!!!! THIS Orange Marmalade chocolate and it's wrapper.....you can't beat British classiness....

Not a good weekend....

Last weekend was filled with a string of bad news...they kept coming and did not stop until the very end.

It started with my sister telling me about their friend's 6 month old son, who got diagnosed with kidney cancer. Just 6 months old - can you imagine? A kidney has been removed and chemo is to start shortly. The young parents have no family around, and I'm sure they must be in the trenches with their emotions.

I also made a tough phone call to a neighbor.....they lost their 17-month old daughter last month while we were away. She was such a precious, healthy little child....and it was a very sudden loss. I am yet to meet them...but I'm sure I will be at a loss of words when I do.

I recently attended a cousin's wedding in Bangalore. It was such a happy event.....I really enjoyed spending time with all my cousins and came back with happy memories. We found out last weekend that my cousin's mother-in-law, a very sweet lady who always wore a smile on her face, got diagnosed with breast cancer. Not even a month after her daughter's wedding, which the family hosted with such pride and fanfare....they have to deal with this difficult situation.

These news were coming in on Saturday, and by the end of the day, I was emotionally spent. A friend visited us with his soon-to-turn-1-year old and he brought his cousin along with him. One look at the girl and you could tell something was wrong. He told me she was assaulted earlier in the week by some black men. I won't go into much detail but it was a scary, traumatic experience. I'm glad she is safe with us now, but an incident like this is enough to alter a person's life.

On Sunday, we had another friend visit us. They are a couple I adore, and I've known them for a very long time. They mentioned about their cousin's son who is battling an allergic reaction to some drug and has been in ICU, on a respirator, since the last two weeks. My friend has been sending care packages to them every week and she had just finished sending a big package before they came to meet us.

Although none of these things have affected my immediate family, does it really matter? The empathy and sorrow that I feel towards these friends and acquaintances is the same. I can't just shrug off their thoughts from my mind easily.

I keep asking: how can I help? why them? why children? I look at my kids and wonder what if something happens to them? Sometimes, its just plain luck. But no one is always lucky, right? Someday, it will be us, and it will directly impact us.

It's just shaken me to the core - this string of bad news. Once I find a way to reach out, and help - in some way or the other, I'll feel a bit better.

Till then, please pray. For strength and for healing.

FOUR

Oh, how time is flying by!

My baby, the one who gifted me with the precious label of "mumma"....
The one who is so sensitive that she keeps getting hurt a zillion times each day....
The one who is incredibly compassionate and caring...
The one who is smart (and is aware of it too :))....
And the one, my only daughter, who is breathtakingly beautiful, inside and out - turned FOUR last week!

After a year of terrific (as well as terrible as) 3's, we are now entering the world of Fantabulous 4's. I can't wait to see what she has in store for us :).

This was her first birthday without grandparents, and her aunt n uncle from San Diego. Leading up to her birthday weekend, we were feeling the void of their presence, and I was not sure if the husband, son and I would be enough for her.

But we were. Along with many of our friends.

The day of her birthday, the son decided to sleep in. He is undoubtedly the first one to wake up in our house. But not on his didi's birthday. He KNEW. She woke up, and spent time cuddling with her mum n dad in bed. We came to the living room, and spent more time together. She got lots of calls and messages. HE LET HER HAVE HER MOMENT.

We fed her breakfast, dressed her up, and took her to school to celebrate with her friends. I know she had a great party at her school.

We then took her to Olive Garden, one of her favorite restaurants, for lunch. We had the best lunch ever. And the waitress surprised her with a dessert plate of sugar-dusted donuts, chocolate+cranberry sauce, and a candle to blow. Our fellow diners joined in to wish her happy birthday. It was a first-time experience for her and she was thrilled!!!

 In the evening, I baked a small cake for her at home. She helped me measure the ingredients and put it all together. It became more of a brownie than a cake, but it tasted good. We had some friends over with gifts and she basked in all the attention.

The next day was her party at MYGYM. We had already celebrated her 2nd birthday here, but she insisted on the same place again. I wanted her to be happy, and stuck with her choice. This year, I also listened to my inner voice, and decided to only invite people (apart from her school friends) who are close to us, and who have made a continuous effort to spend time with our family in the past year. We have a zillion acquaintances but not many close friends. I also considered the age group of the kids, and if they were too old or too young, I did not extend an invite to them. Turns out, excluding her school friends, we only had 5 families that I needed to invite- it was a short, sweet, stress-free list, as well as planning for us!

The party was a blast. The daughter knew each kid who came, and was very comfortable. I have never seen her SO happy at a function, through and through. Not a single meltdown or tantrum. I did not have to engage in any fake conversation, or put up fake smiles with any of the guests. It felt natural to be among those who we are close to.

All in all, we will remember and cherish these happy moments for a long time to come.

As usual, my wish for her is to be healthy, happy, be adventurous and free spirited, compassionate, and appreciate life and its little pleasures a lot more than all the material comforts. Being inquisitive and always questioning me, like she always does - I hope that never changes!

I love my little girl!

Congratulations DR. PP :)

We all wait for Friday. And most Friday's are just the usual.

Yesterday was a special Friday for me. My dearest, nearest, closest friend P successfully defended his PhD dissertation (on Friday, July 10, 2009).

It's just a matter of few days before P receives his official degree; it's just a matter of few months before he "walks" at his graduation ceremony, but for all practical purposes, P is done with all his PhD work, and I can now proudly call him DOCTOR!!!!

Yesterday morning, I prayed for everything to go well for him, and even though I was buried in work, I was anxious to hear from him in the afternoon.

This sooper busy and always forgetful friend of mine can easily forget to let me know how it all went, and keep me waiting until the end of the day when I finally run out of patience and call him. I'm so glad he didn't do that yesterday.

When he called me in the afternoon, I was so relieved to hear that everything went well. He got all the signatures of the committee, and sometime next week, he will submit his final dissertation and then it will be all over. I could sense the HUGE sigh of relief, and the tremendous happiness in his voice, from 3000 miles away. I am so so proud of him!

I met P in Summer of 2006. We lived in the same town and worked for the same company for a few months, and we became friends. I taught him how to play racquetball, and he taught me how to play poker. Whatever we did together, it was always a blast. It was not until he went back to his university to complete his PhD that we actually became such close friends.

P is THE hardest working individual I have known in my entire life. I saw him working tirelessly on his PhD, day in and day out. There was not a single day when I saw him slacking. His research was his passion, and I could see that zeal and enthusiasm in him to give his best to his passion every single day.

There are numerous sacrifices - small and huge, that have been made to achieve this goal. Dear P, I am really proud of you for your achievement. YOU DID IT and YOU ROCKKKK!

Once P was done with this research work, he accepted a job back in California, and I could not have been happier. I vividly remember the day he moved to CA for good. I was at a Bryan Adams concert, and as soon as it was over, I went and met him. We spent the night at his new apartment...all of us slept on the new carpet, with the security alarm beeping every few seconds, P being bothered by it and covering it with furniture pads, etc etc.

P continued to amaze me with the dedication he showed for his new job. Within weeks, he had made a mark in his small company. On an average, my buddy works more than 12 hours a day, including weekends. He never complains. He simply enjoys it. Hats off to you bud!

P, you are a HUGE inspiration to me, every single day. I always get motivated to do so much more when I think about you. I am extremely lucky and blessed to have you in my life.

Now that this huge stress is gone from his life, I look forward to spending more time with my buddy and having a blast, as always :)

Congratulations DR. PP :)

PS: Can't wait to give a huge bear huggie to my doc....hope we meet sometime soon :)

PPS: The graduation card that I picked for P has very beautiful words, which I would like to share here:

For the Graduate

We are all on a journey toward

becoming a complete person.

Along the way, we reach milestones - 

chances to step aside and 

take account of how far we've come

and where we still need to go.

This is a very special time - 

a time full of potential,

of unexplored paths,

of undreamed dreams....

Your graduation is

in some ways an ending,

but in more ways,

this is only the beginning.

Congratulations!!!!

A Wednesday evening with Ferris Bueller

How often do we break from our weekday routine and do impromptu things? Things that don't take too much time, neither require a lot of planning, can do wonders to our mood and leave us happy and content. 

Most people hate Mondays, Wednesday is called "hump-day" and Thursday is when we start saying "Can't wait for Friday" :) We follow a routine lifestyle through the week - for me, it's waking up and getting ready, having breakfast, work for 8-10hrs, cook dinner, go to gym or walk, watch some telly or make a phone call, and sleep (sometimes while reading a book). Sometimes I would run errands during the week, or visit a friend. 

I must admit - I don't find my lifestyle boring (most of the times) because I do enjoy my work, and I enjoy my evening time (whether I'm cooking or watching telly or working out or chatting with my hubby)....and I also enjoy my conversations over the phone with my family and friends. I am happy!

But, if I have to invite friends over, or arrange a poker night, or watch a movie, or go out for dinner, I wait for the weekend. Anything out of the normal routine has to wait, and in the process, sometimes it never gets done. There is not enough time during my weekdays to incorporate these things. 

I feel we should change our routine once in a while, and do impulsive things to keep the boredom out of our lives and keep it alive n fresh! "The less routine the more life :)"

We all love watching movies at home, and its even better if we have friends to enjoy it with :) So yesterday evening, my friends came over to my place around 8pm (right after dinner), and we watched a comedy movie "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"! I was sooper kicked just because I was getting to enjoy a Wednesday movie nite with my friends :) Yes, such small things make me very happy!

In case you haven't watch the movie, it's great....it's about this high school kid who is a legend in his own time thanks to his uncanny ability to bunk classes at school and never being caught. The movie is about his last day off from school before his graduation, where he calls in "sick", gets his girlfriend out of school, borrows his friend's dad's Ferrari and spends his day off in Downtown Chicago with his pals.  And in the process, how he fools his parents & his school principal and makes his sister jealous. 

This movie reminded me of my college days when occasionally we used to bunk classes, when some professors were SO BORING it was treacherous to keep ourselves awake in class, and when we used to make fun of our professors all the time....those good ol' days :)

So how are your weekdays like and do u break from your routine from time to time? If yes, what do u do?

Had a good weekend :)

If any of you read my last post,  you must be worried...so just to let you know - I had a really good weekend :)

I spent part of my Saturday cleaning my house, and speaking to few friends on the phone. 

I then visited a close friends' kids - they are 4 and 6 yrs old....and they are HUGE stressbusters. I spent my entire evening playing with them - we played UNO, games like bowling n tic-tac-toe on my iphone, watching youtube videos (we liked the Gummy Bear one the most :))...and after a tiring evening, they went to bed. I then chatted with my friend and her husband and then came home and made some more India calls. Yeah, weekends are usually time to catch up on phone calls :)

Sunday went by spending some quality time with a friend who visited me from out of town. I hadn't met him for the last 4 months, since he was out of country, so I really had a great time connecting with him. He is one of the closest buddies of mine, and I felt good being with him for almost the entire day.

I had planned to do my taxes today, but I will catch up on that later in the week.

Oh, and I DID go for a 7-mile walk on Saturday afternoon to clear my head :) and it HELPED!!!!

The spring weather is gorgeous here in California!