Leaning In

I just finished reading Sheryl Sandberg's "Lean In". It was on my list for a while, but I have so many books that have been bought and not read, so I waited for an opportunity to borrow it, and that happened a couple of weeks ago, by chance.

I am glad someone like her - a female leader in the tech industry - wrote a book that clearly details the challenges women face in the workforce. Even better, she focused on the solutions to the problems, and has cited a long list of relevant research which provides a great background for people who want to study it further.

I could relate completely to everything she wrote in the book. From starting to think about a family since the day I got married (and in the process, starting to 'lean back'), to the 18 months of pregnancy at work; to the very difficult times when I was breastfeeding AND working full time, to keeping my focus on career growth in a group dominated by men.

Reading her book has given me confidence to continue to be ambitious, and continue to pursue my career goals, even after having children. Raising children is very demanding, and often, women think about quitting the workforce. I've thought about it too, many many times. But as Sandberg quotes Judith Rodin - the first woman to serve as president of an Ivy League University (and president of the Rockefeller Foundation) - "My generation fought so hard to give all of you choices. We believe in choices. But choosing to leave the workforce was not the choice we thought so many of you would make".

I want to ponder over the above statement a bit more. It's really the crux of the issue. Quitting is usually the easier choice. But, making it work without quitting is real success. And if more and more women choose the latter, they will pave the way for the generations of women following ours.

She makes a clear case of why we need more female leaders. When she first got pregnant, she realized Google did not have maternity parking. Now they do. Intel still does not have it. I remember how painful it was for me, during my first pregnancy, when I worked in a lab the entire 9 months....the lab was in a building with no separate entrance, and it would take me 20 mins to walk from the parking lot to the lab. Even the cafe was a 15 minute walk. It was painful. I would have loved a slot in the disabled parking area, or a separate closer parking slot for being a pregnant lady.

More female leaders at the top will definitely mean more understanding of work-life balance issues, the needs of working moms (as well as dads), strengths and weaknesses of females, and much more. It will only benefit the overall workforce, in my belief.

She also has an entire chapter on how to make your partner a real partner. This is also extremely crucial in ensuring that a working woman feels good about the choice she has made, and continues to do so, without feeling guilty all the time.

I am quite proud of the fact that my husband shares equal responsibility in our partnership - whether its managing the house, and/or managing the kids, he can do it all. I can leave on business trips with a short notice, and he can manage cooking, meals, bath time, school/daycare drop offs and pick ups, his work, bedtime, play/reading, house maintenance, groceries - you name it, he can do it. The kids are used to him and I, both, equally.

However, it is not the case with most Indian households around me. Women, even those who work full time, are responsible for much more than 50% of the daily responsibilities. And as long as they do that, things will continue to remain difficult, not only for them, but even for their kids.

Starting at a young age, not only spouses, but even kids should be involved in helping with chores around the house. My daughter is only 3.5yrs old, but ever since her brother was born, she has always fetched us his diaper and wipes when asked. She has never said no. She helps me in the kitchen, she helps me with laundry, she helps me in the garden, she helps with packing her brother's diaper bag when we go out, etc. They both assist in clean-up of toys after playtime. But Indian kids, especially, are much more pampered than they should be. Parents focus on their academic development a lot, as well as their involvement in sports or art, but not on basic life skills. Making breakfast, packing lunch, folding laundry, doing dishes or loading/emptying dishwasher, vacuum, throwing trash out, running errands - involving each  member of the house for all these chores is extremely important.

Don't even get me started on cooking or responsibilities in the kitchen. I am glad my husband can cook a decent meal when there is a need. He always makes tea for us, and makes meals for kids. Before kids, we actually had cooking turns, just like roommates would have. The day I cooked, he went to the gym. And vice versa. He cuts the veggies, does the dishes, clean the kitchen, packs lunches, shops for grocery - I think just because I am a better cook, I usually get by with compliments and not much critique - honestly, he does more than I do in the kitchen :) :). But I cannot count more than 10 households where I find such equal division of labor. And that's a big issue. As Sandberg says "We need more men at the table.....at the kitchen table."

Women can only continue to lean in, when there is support from her village, that helps to raise her family. Her spouse makes up for a major chunk of that village. Without that support, she will always be spread too thin, feeling overwhelmed, stressed & guilty all the time.

It is also important for families where both mom and dad are working, to work on their pace of life. By pace of life, I mean, how much do they want to accomplish during a given day. With young children, we have a slow pace of life. We travel, but only make local trips. We don't invite friends for meals - its just a lot of work. We don't watch movies in the theatre - we watch at home after the kids sleep. I have not even involved my kids in too many activities - they only go to mygym once a week right now, and that's about it. We plan to teach the daughter how to swim this summer, and that's the only thing she will be learning this year. When you try to pack your days with too many commitments, it is not good. Leaning In is one thing, but going overboard is disastrous for the family.

Overall, I feel, becoming a mom and having children has only fueled my growth.
- I am exceptionally focused at work, all the time, and get my job done as quickly as possible.
- I also accept that 'good' is enough. 'Perfect' is not really necessary, all the time. This applies to things at work, and at home.
- I am very close to my husband now. Seeing him step up and help me every step of the way has made me fall in love with him, all over again. Kids have only strengthened, and deepened, our bond.
- I have become very creative in the kitchen, and as a result, I'm cooking healthy, nutritious meals, day after day, for all of us. Kids have motivated me in this area, and it was completely unexpected.
- I appreciate my body a lot more. 18 months of pregnancy, and 30 months of breastfeeding - I'm in awe of my body. My recent half-marathon training is making me appreciate it even more. If you think you can do it, and put your mind on it, you really can. I also workout at home, watching youtube videos. And my daughter ALWAYS wants to join me. I'm proud to be educating her, from early on, the importance of being active.
- I have become a much more positive person than I was before. Kids bring joy in simple ways, each day. They also keep you busy, so you don't have time to brood over petty matters. I started making a gratitude list of 3-5 days that make me happy daily, before going to bed, and this exercise has changed my overall outlook in life.

Overall, as a daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend and professional - I am content with life. And when I go to bed each day, I am usually at peace. Isn't that what we all crave for, anyway?

So, coming back to the book - I totally recommend reading it. You can always achieve your goals, you just have to take baby steps in the right direction to achieve them. And having kids should not derail you from your path.

It could be a corporate ladder you want to climb, or be an entrepreneur. You could turn your hobby into a career, or just do some social work to keep you busy. You can choose to always work part time (my preferred choice in the next few years). My urge to all mothers is to do something meaningful with your time - whether it brings money or not.

This book is getting good reviews, but a lot of thrash in media as well. For example, read this: http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/she-the-people/wp/2014/02/25/recline-dont-lean-in-why-i-hate-sheryl-sandberg/. This makes me very sad. Sandberg describes in her book how women, more often than not, bring other women down. Because they are jealous, because they are competitive, because they are bitchy. And this is one such example.

I agree with what Sandberg has said in her book. More often than not, the men in my life are very supportive of me having a career, but the women who are stay-at-home are the ones who keep questioning my choice to work. Especially those who made a choice to quit and stay at home after having children. Why can't each person be confident of the choice they made, and be at peace with it, and not make the person who made a different choice guilty? I will never understand. Sigh!!!!

My first race

Northern California was in the middle of a much needed rainstorm last weekend. Not a soul around me was complaining about the weather. We desperately needed the precipitation. 

However, I was hoping for a short weather break on Sunday. I had signed up for my first ever race, and the prospect of running a 10K race while being soaked through and through was daunting. 

Race Day: I woke up at 5.30am, got ready, had breakfast, and set off with my friend A. As we kept getting closer to our destination, the intensity of the rainfall kept on increasing. 

We made it to our destination, safe and sound, and I got a call from the husband who had hoped I'd bail out and stay cozy in bed with him :). I assured him I would be okay and proceeded to meet my team and trainers.

We had a great warmup session - ran about a mile, but more importantly, figured out that running with a rain jacket or any other accessories was a terrible idea. I went back to our tent and unloaded all the gear.

Race Start: There were hundreds of runners. It had just stopped raining. We were at the bottom of the pack. We started slowly, and it felt great to be finally running an official race. My running group was there with me, and I had all the support I needed to get me to the finish line. 

The shins on my left leg have been bothering me (my trainer says I got shin splints), so I had decided to take it easy, and had kept a goal of just finishing the race. I started slow, and took my time to warm up. I took a few walking breaks in the beginning but as I hit my stride around mile 2, I was running more and walking less. 

The course was new for me, and I did not have any expectations from it, but it turned out to be very pretty. We ran along some cute little neighborhoods - the homes had lovely gardens and flowers blooming, we saw lots of orange trees with the fruits slowly ripening, we passed through a park with some creeks and bridges, and because of the continuous rain, we could enjoy the refreshing smell of earth throughout our run.

I felt strong, and had a really strong finish. I completed the 10K with a pace of about 13 minutes a mile. I could have gone much faster but I'm glad I took the time to slow down and soak in the entire experience. 

As soon as we headed back to the tent from the finish line, it started drizzling again :).

From start to finish, there was not a drop of rain that we had to deal with. It was an amazing blessing, as if it was just meant to be. 

My fitness level has improved SO much in the last 6 weeks. I have dropped 2 pant sizes, and I feel energetic throughout the week. Every single run is helping me improve my cardiovascular fitness. I remember breathing so heavily during the first couple weeks of this training program. I was terribly out of shape. Now, I run with ease and can carry a conversation easily even on a long run. I know how to keep hydrated and fueled up for long runs, and have learnt a lot about my body in this short time. 

Having run about 7 miles so far, I now move to longer runs - 8 miles, 10+ miles, in the next month before I run my first half-marathon in March. I am excited, and looking forward to it. 

However, I don't think I am cut out to be a long distance runner. 10K is a sweet spot for me - not too short, not too long, and enough to get a good workout. I might train for that distance and work on speed once I have achieved my half marathon goal. I also don't want to injure myself by regularly running long distances, and I worry about my knees as well. But running is fun, and an easy activity to plan for, so I will find some way to incorporate a little bit on running into my daily life.

Here are a couple of post race pictures with my trainer and running group....I am sporting my first finisher's medal :)!

Remembering K Foi....

Last year, this time, I was in Mumbai at my in-laws. Before I got married, whenever we visited Mumbai, we would camp at my aunt's (dad's older sister) house. We were so emotionally close that she always complained about me not staying with her anymore and spending more time with my in-laws than her in recent years.

She was the BEST cook in our house. Years ago, she owned a fast-food joint in Andheri and ran a sooper successful business. Whenever we visited her, she would pamper us with hot breakfasts, lavish lunches, and new items for dinner. During every trip, I would come back with atleast one new recipe from her. She made the best pani-puri's in the world.

Last year, during my visit, I met her a few times. And I also spent an entire day with her....we went shopping together :). And when we were near Andheri station, we saw McDonald's and she was craving junk food, so we went in and ate McAloo Tikki burgers, with fries and a drink (a true Happy Meal). It was a rare indulgence for her, as she was a heart patient and always closely watched her diet.

Last month, my dad made a trip to Mumbai just to spend time with her. He stayed for 3 days, and we did FaceTime while he was visiting. She saw the kids, and was delighted to see the son running around the house and talking so much......when she last met him, he was a chubby baby who liked to be held :).

Aunt K suffered a couple of heart attacks and passed away in hospital early Monday morning. She had health issues, but was managing quite okay when we last spoke. So it was sudden, and a shock for all of us. It's the first sibling loss for my dad or mom, and they are grieving a lot. As with such news, it takes time. Acceptance only comes later, after internalizing all the grief. I still can't believe it either. I am remembering all my conversations with her, and still can't believe that I will never be able to talk to her again :(.

It's been an emotional roller-coaster....to say the least. I feel bad that mom n dad cannot be there with the family at this time. They JUST arrived from India...it has been less than a week. I called them over because the son was constantly falling sick in daycare, and needed to be kept home. I pulled him out of daycare in early January, and worked from home for 3 weeks until mom n dad got here.

The parents are constantly on the phone with all my uncles and aunts.....talking about her life and remembering the good as well as the tough times. You see - she was the only one in our family who lost her husband 25+ years ago.....a young widow, she raised 3 young children by herself, and eventually they started working and helped her repay the debt that my uncle could not clear before his sudden death. She had a tough life, but I always saw her smiling. What I will always remember is her beautiful face, her long black tresses, and her lovely smile.

When I visit my older aunts and uncles now, they always tell me "good we met and spent time...who knows, we may never see each other again". And I understood the sentiment and reality behind the statement, but always shrugged it off in my mind. But it is really true. It's true for any of us, but more so for the aging generation. I am glad I visit India often and spend almost all my time with family. I try to visit as many relatives as possible. I've sacrificed many vacations and outings with friends just to be able to visit family in India. And I feel it has been the best use of my vacation time.

I love you K foi (that's what I fondly called her)....you will always hold a special place in my heart. May you rest in peace.

What comforts you?

I was reading a book to the daughter last night at bedtime. In the book, a girl named Sophie gets very angry, and runs away from home, to calm down.

After our reading session, I happened to ask the daughter: "Why do you like to go to the beach?".
And pat came the answer: "Because it comforts me."
Wow. I was blown away by her response.
I told her: "I feel the same."

And it got me thinking. What else comforts me?

These days, it's Running. It's weird - I never look forward to it. But when I'm running, I find it comforting. The rhythm, the focus on breadth, the trail next to the river - it all comes together beautifully.

Reading a good book. Currently reading "Lean In" by Sandberg.

Cooking. I find comfort in my cooking skills - for I know I'm good and my family enjoy the meals I make.

Love, hugs, touch.

Conversations, kind words, compliments.

Coffee.

Meditation. Yoga. Prayers.

Long walks.

Flowers.

Gardening.

Music. Movies.

Workout. Biking. Swimming. Or playing a sport.

Sleep. Rest.

Laughter.

Time with kids, and family.

Quiet time.

Hot showers.

Cleaning. Either dishes or scrubbing bathroom floors.

Green tea. Lemon-honey-ginger water.

Mom's food. Chocolate.

Hiking to the top of the mountain and enjoying the view.

And last but not the least - Writing. Either here on the blog, or in my journal.

What comforts you?

Day 15 - Blog Marathon break :)

Things are really difficult right now. I have never been so busy in life.....never, ever. And I never imagined it would be THIS tough to just get through routine.

So, I need to call it quits on this blog marathon. I hate to take this step, but other things need to take priority.

I'll keep blogging - I just don't want to force myself to post everyday when I'm dead tired and I rather sleep early each night. Also, my work PC was having issues the last few days where I was only able to access the Intranet, and when working from home (which I am doing all this week because the kiddo is still recovering), I would not be able to access Internet at all. That made it difficult for me to write blog posts during the day. And by the end of the day, I was totally spent.

We also travel tomorrow to Southern California for a short break. We had planned this trip a while ago and I'm really looking forward to the warmer weather and the beach :).

I'll post as often as I can, just not daily.

Leaving you with a few pictures of my bum-chums.....

Aren't they precious :)?

Day 11 - Mind vs Body

I woke up feeling very lethargic today. With the ER visit and a sick kiddo at home, the week was tiring.

On top of that, it is the time of the month when Aunt Flo is visiting me, making her presence felt strongly with cramps and more lethargy.

It was also predicted to rain this morning.

SO many reasons to NOT go for my half-marathon training today.

But I went.

I was not sure how it will go.

The trainer changed plans on us - instead of a 4-mile run as per our training plan, he asked us to run 5 miles.

5 miles - never ran that distance before in my life. I've walked 20+ miles but never ran.

The warmup itself was brutal. But no rain, yet. Fingers crossed.

I did not want to run alone. I knew I would not be able to push myself if I did. So I joined a team of 4 women who trained at my pace. We all motivated each other.

The trail, as usual, was beautiful. And it was busy too. Lots of runners and cyclists on the trail. And it did not rain at all - we were so lucky.

I DID IT - 1 hour, 9 mins - 5 miles. The farthest I've ran in my life. (To be honest, it was a run+walk, but that is my goal for this first race anyway).  WOOHOO!

I felt SO good after the run. The core workout post-run was a piece of cake. Yep, even the 60-second planks and the squats and the pushups felt sooper easy.

I was not the fastest, or the strongest, but I gave my hardest. And for that, I'm very proud of myself.

What was I thinking while running? I just kept telling myself: "I CAN do it." Baby steps. Kept counting from 1-10 and repeating it. Chatted with friends along the way, getting to know them better. One has GIRD so she is running to build her lung capacity, one is retiring next month and wants to live an active life filled with travel and adventures post-retirement, one lost 20lbs last year and wants to get fitter and lose more weight before her wedding. So many inspiring folks out there....it was lovely!

You have to have this desire within you to achieve something. For me, right now, it is to GET FIT. Not so much to lose weight (it will naturally come off), but I need to get my fitness level back. And I'm doing it - one workout, one run, one day at a time!

Day 10 - {this moment} Family walks

"A Friday ritual. A single photo - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember" - SouleMama

This picture is from our trip to Mendocino in November.

Both the kids LOVE to go for walks. The daughter will walk/hike as much as she can when we travel and take trails. And she enjoys it too. We find little adventures to do on the way for her. 

My husband also is a nature lover. He enjoys such outings, and rarely says no. He prefers that over movies, socializing with friends, dining out, etc. 

I can't wait for summer when we can be outdoors much more often!

Have a good weekend! We will be staying home and taking care of the baby who is still feeling poorly!