“True friendship isn't about being there when it's convenient; it's about being there when it's not.”
Last Friday was my husband's birthday. For my birthday in November, we had a flight to catch in the evening, so we could not go out for dinner or celebrate in any other way since we both had to go to work. We thought we shall do some celebration on hubby's birthday. Our team had a quarterly event that day, and I was organizing it (a game of cricket as most of our group is non-Asian and wanted to learn the game), so I had a busy though fun-filled day planned. Right in the middle of the cricket game, one of my very close friends called me. She was profusely crying, and told me that her dad passed away in India. I was shocked, and for a moment, I did not know what to say. I quickly recovered from the news, and at that time, I told her to calm down, told her I was extremely sorry to hear the news, and I told her I'll call back in some time. I was umpiring the game and could not just run away from it.
We often hear such news, and dismiss them, since it happened to others, not us. It's similar to a natural disaster striking in some part of the world, but not ours. We quietly thank God and count our blessings. And then it happens to someone we know, or, sometimes, to our own family - and we are left shattered. Living in the US, the guilt of not being there with our family is profound. And I feel, the best thing you can do is to be there for the person who has lost someone, or has been affected by a life-changing calamity.
I gave my friend and her sister, who were both in shock and grieving, countless hugs and kisses. I listened - they expressed how they felt, they thought it was still someone's dad and not their dad who passed away, they worried about taking care of their mom, and many other thoughts that they poured out. I helped keep the house going by cooking meals, and ensuring everyone was fed. We kept her girls (who are 6 and 3) entertained and out of trouble. I reminded them of important stuff to carry. I helped them book tickets. I cleared out the refrigerator, and all the trash. I helped them pack their bags.
I explained to them the 5 stages of grief - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. I told them they will have to pass through these, and I pray and hope that they get the strength to bear this, and that they heal with time.
I spoke to Aunty (their mom) and told her I will be there with them until they leave for India....and I fulfilled my promise to her. She has always asked me for help and trusted me in such situations, and I lived up to her expectations this time as well.
All this was very very hard for me - emotionally, as well as mentally. I've known my friend and her family for years (15+), and I met her parents earlier this year during my sister's wedding. I admire her mom tremendously, and have always looked up to her, coz she was a working woman until she retired just last year, and worked very very hard all her life for her family. My heart was crying out for all of them, but I had to put up a strong face, and be calm and collected. I think I did a fairly good job of it.
I have to especially thank my husband, who supported me on every front. It was his birthday, and we could not celebrate it. Even if we do it later, its not the same. This was my friend, not his. But he put her needs before his, and I admire and love him for that.
The kids tremendously helped keep the atmosphere of the house lively. They didn't understand what had happened, even though my friend tried to explain to her older daughter who is 6. They just wanted to play, coz it was a weekend. They knew about the India trip during Christmas, so even the travel was not a major surprise...it was just happening a few days earlier than planned. Here they are, enjoying their time together.
I know once my friend reaches India, it's going to hit her very hard. She must have just landed as I type this, and she's in my thoughts and prayers.
A few things I would like to remind myself and everyone else:
- Hug and kiss your children, your spouse, and your loved ones - as often as possible.
- Say "I love you" to the above people as often as possible.
- If you are living away from your parents and siblings, talk to them as often as possible. Even if its a short phone call, do it.
- Leave grudges behind. Let go of things easily.
- Embrace the positive. Be joyful.
- Take a minimum of 5 minutes daily for yourself. Meditate or just have quiet time with yourself. It will help your mind calm down, and help you de-stress.
- Pray.
- Be compassionate. Help those in need.
- Be grateful for all your blessings!
