- I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" - Jay Leno.
- Have you ever noticed that anybody going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? - George Carlin.
- I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens. - Woody Allen.
- In high school, my sister went out with the captain of the chess team. My parents loved him. They figured that any guy that took hours to make a move was okay with them. - Brian Kiley.
- I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman. "Where's the self-help section?". She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. - Brian Kiley.
- I can make fun of NASCAR fans because if they chase me, I just turn right. - Alonzo Bodden.
- So they're showing me, on television, the detergents getting out bloodstains. I mean, come on, you got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it. Maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now. - Jerry Seinfeld.
- The problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. - Robin Williams.
- I asked my brother-in-law why he was wearing my raincoat. He answered, "You wouldn't want me to get your suit wet, would you?" _ Henry Youngman.
- You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work. - Joan Rivers.
