16 months….

Everytime the 19th rolls around, I go through a bout of depression. No matter what is going on in my life, I invariably feel down and low, atleast once during the day. 

The word today that has kept bothering me all day is “abandonment”. I tried to process it during my therapy session, and got some good pointers and feedback, but I was also encouraged not to completely brush it away today itself.

So I’ve been sitting with it. 

I wish I could share openly on a public domain all the reasons why I feel abandoned. 

But coming back to today, it’s been 16 months today that Sameer passed. And I know he didn’t choose to abandon me. Knowing him, he would have loved to be here with me every minute of every single day, not only raising our children together but also taking care of me like he always did! 

However, post his sudden death, I simply haven’t found my new normal yet. And that’s the pain point. The unsustainable life situation that I’m in, with such a tough long road ahead of me, feels overwhelming all the time. 

The past - even before Sameer came into my life - has been bothering me so much. I wish I never had to hash it ever again. 

I’ve talked to so many people from my 20’s after Sameer’s passing, and lately I’ve been dreading those connections. I’ve changed, I’ve evolved, I have new hobbies, new friends, new roles in life (the most important one being a mother), new responsibilities, new purpose, new aspirations — and I feel it’s a lot of effort to bring these people from my 20’s along with me. 

From being at peace with my choices in my 20s, I’m now unsettled due to these conversations. 

I SO wish to get my life back before Sameer passed. I was so happy. So much at peace. I would give anything to have that back today. 

And perhaps that is what I am also slowly beginning to accept.

I cannot have that life back.

Sameer’s death didn’t just leave an empty chair in our family. It disrupted the entire landscape of my life — my sense of home, security, identity, relationships, and even how I look back at my own past.

Maybe that is why old memories and old relationships suddenly feel so unsettling. 

I’m trying to figure out what still belongs in the life I am building now, and what belongs exactly where it was — in the past.

And perhaps abandonment is not only about people leaving.

Sometimes it is the feeling of being left behind by your own life.

The life you knew.

The life you loved.

The life you thought you would continue living.

Sixteen months later, I am still grieving that life too.

I don’t have a neat conclusion today.

I don’t know what my new normal looks like yet.

I only know that I miss Sameer terribly. I miss the security and peace of the life we had built together. 

And I am tired of feeling as though I have to constantly reinvent myself simply because life gave me no other choice.

So today, on the 19th, I’m not going to force myself to find the silver lining.

I’m going to sit with the sadness.

Tomorrow, I’ll get up and carry on again.

But today, I simply miss my old life.

And I miss him. ❤️