I just finished reading Sheryl Sandberg's "Lean In". It was on my list for a while, but I have so many books that have been bought and not read, so I waited for an opportunity to borrow it, and that happened a couple of weeks ago, by chance.
I am glad someone like her - a female leader in the tech industry - wrote a book that clearly details the challenges women face in the workforce. Even better, she focused on the solutions to the problems, and has cited a long list of relevant research which provides a great background for people who want to study it further.
I could relate completely to everything she wrote in the book. From starting to think about a family since the day I got married (and in the process, starting to 'lean back'), to the 18 months of pregnancy at work; to the very difficult times when I was breastfeeding AND working full time, to keeping my focus on career growth in a group dominated by men.
Reading her book has given me confidence to continue to be ambitious, and continue to pursue my career goals, even after having children. Raising children is very demanding, and often, women think about quitting the workforce. I've thought about it too, many many times. But as Sandberg quotes Judith Rodin - the first woman to serve as president of an Ivy League University (and president of the Rockefeller Foundation) - "My generation fought so hard to give all of you choices. We believe in choices. But choosing to leave the workforce was not the choice we thought so many of you would make".
I want to ponder over the above statement a bit more. It's really the crux of the issue. Quitting is usually the easier choice. But, making it work without quitting is real success. And if more and more women choose the latter, they will pave the way for the generations of women following ours.
She makes a clear case of why we need more female leaders. When she first got pregnant, she realized Google did not have maternity parking. Now they do. Intel still does not have it. I remember how painful it was for me, during my first pregnancy, when I worked in a lab the entire 9 months....the lab was in a building with no separate entrance, and it would take me 20 mins to walk from the parking lot to the lab. Even the cafe was a 15 minute walk. It was painful. I would have loved a slot in the disabled parking area, or a separate closer parking slot for being a pregnant lady.
More female leaders at the top will definitely mean more understanding of work-life balance issues, the needs of working moms (as well as dads), strengths and weaknesses of females, and much more. It will only benefit the overall workforce, in my belief.
She also has an entire chapter on how to make your partner a real partner. This is also extremely crucial in ensuring that a working woman feels good about the choice she has made, and continues to do so, without feeling guilty all the time.
I am quite proud of the fact that my husband shares equal responsibility in our partnership - whether its managing the house, and/or managing the kids, he can do it all. I can leave on business trips with a short notice, and he can manage cooking, meals, bath time, school/daycare drop offs and pick ups, his work, bedtime, play/reading, house maintenance, groceries - you name it, he can do it. The kids are used to him and I, both, equally.
However, it is not the case with most Indian households around me. Women, even those who work full time, are responsible for much more than 50% of the daily responsibilities. And as long as they do that, things will continue to remain difficult, not only for them, but even for their kids.
Starting at a young age, not only spouses, but even kids should be involved in helping with chores around the house. My daughter is only 3.5yrs old, but ever since her brother was born, she has always fetched us his diaper and wipes when asked. She has never said no. She helps me in the kitchen, she helps me with laundry, she helps me in the garden, she helps with packing her brother's diaper bag when we go out, etc. They both assist in clean-up of toys after playtime. But Indian kids, especially, are much more pampered than they should be. Parents focus on their academic development a lot, as well as their involvement in sports or art, but not on basic life skills. Making breakfast, packing lunch, folding laundry, doing dishes or loading/emptying dishwasher, vacuum, throwing trash out, running errands - involving each member of the house for all these chores is extremely important.
Don't even get me started on cooking or responsibilities in the kitchen. I am glad my husband can cook a decent meal when there is a need. He always makes tea for us, and makes meals for kids. Before kids, we actually had cooking turns, just like roommates would have. The day I cooked, he went to the gym. And vice versa. He cuts the veggies, does the dishes, clean the kitchen, packs lunches, shops for grocery - I think just because I am a better cook, I usually get by with compliments and not much critique - honestly, he does more than I do in the kitchen :) :). But I cannot count more than 10 households where I find such equal division of labor. And that's a big issue. As Sandberg says "We need more men at the table.....at the kitchen table."
Women can only continue to lean in, when there is support from her village, that helps to raise her family. Her spouse makes up for a major chunk of that village. Without that support, she will always be spread too thin, feeling overwhelmed, stressed & guilty all the time.
It is also important for families where both mom and dad are working, to work on their pace of life. By pace of life, I mean, how much do they want to accomplish during a given day. With young children, we have a slow pace of life. We travel, but only make local trips. We don't invite friends for meals - its just a lot of work. We don't watch movies in the theatre - we watch at home after the kids sleep. I have not even involved my kids in too many activities - they only go to mygym once a week right now, and that's about it. We plan to teach the daughter how to swim this summer, and that's the only thing she will be learning this year. When you try to pack your days with too many commitments, it is not good. Leaning In is one thing, but going overboard is disastrous for the family.
Overall, I feel, becoming a mom and having children has only fueled my growth.
- I am exceptionally focused at work, all the time, and get my job done as quickly as possible.
- I also accept that 'good' is enough. 'Perfect' is not really necessary, all the time. This applies to things at work, and at home.
- I am very close to my husband now. Seeing him step up and help me every step of the way has made me fall in love with him, all over again. Kids have only strengthened, and deepened, our bond.
- I have become very creative in the kitchen, and as a result, I'm cooking healthy, nutritious meals, day after day, for all of us. Kids have motivated me in this area, and it was completely unexpected.
- I appreciate my body a lot more. 18 months of pregnancy, and 30 months of breastfeeding - I'm in awe of my body. My recent half-marathon training is making me appreciate it even more. If you think you can do it, and put your mind on it, you really can. I also workout at home, watching youtube videos. And my daughter ALWAYS wants to join me. I'm proud to be educating her, from early on, the importance of being active.
- I have become a much more positive person than I was before. Kids bring joy in simple ways, each day. They also keep you busy, so you don't have time to brood over petty matters. I started making a gratitude list of 3-5 days that make me happy daily, before going to bed, and this exercise has changed my overall outlook in life.
Overall, as a daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend and professional - I am content with life. And when I go to bed each day, I am usually at peace. Isn't that what we all crave for, anyway?
So, coming back to the book - I totally recommend reading it. You can always achieve your goals, you just have to take baby steps in the right direction to achieve them. And having kids should not derail you from your path.
It could be a corporate ladder you want to climb, or be an entrepreneur. You could turn your hobby into a career, or just do some social work to keep you busy. You can choose to always work part time (my preferred choice in the next few years). My urge to all mothers is to do something meaningful with your time - whether it brings money or not.
This book is getting good reviews, but a lot of thrash in media as well. For example, read this:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/she-the-people/wp/2014/02/25/recline-dont-lean-in-why-i-hate-sheryl-sandberg/. This makes me very sad. Sandberg describes in her book how women, more often than not, bring other women down. Because they are jealous, because they are competitive, because they are bitchy. And this is one such example.
I agree with what Sandberg has said in her book. More often than not, the men in my life are very supportive of me having a career, but the women who are stay-at-home are the ones who keep questioning my choice to work. Especially those who made a choice to quit and stay at home after having children. Why can't each person be confident of the choice they made, and be at peace with it, and not make the person who made a different choice guilty? I will never understand. Sigh!!!!
